Thoreau and Jane Eyre

When I was thinking about writing here, I realized that I write about many depressing thoughts. I hope that, in turn, I can also clearly convey the insight that I've gained from these thoughts. Henry David Thoreau knew both ends of the things depressing and reflected on his sadness and wrote these words in his journal in 1851:

"Why should pensiveness be akin to sadness? There is a certain fertile sadness which I would not avoid, but rather earnestly seek. It is positively joyful to me. It saves my life from being trivial."

The sadness and the struggles are the very things that are helping me to grow the most. Through these struggles I have seen my strengths, yes, but more so, I have seen my weaknesses. And in those weaknesses, the Lord shows me what I should be working on in my life or he shows me just how strong He was (and is) in those moments.

My latest struggle is not surprising. It has been over a man. It's complicated and simple, like any relationship tends to be.
This man is someone I've liked for over two years now, and I have found out that he has liked me for that long too. He's been incredibly sweet and understanding, generous and kind. But there is one large problem: he is not a believer.
To me it doesn't seem that simple, but really, it is.

A couple of posts back, I wrote about what I might want in a man and being a believer was a given. But when the man you've been crushing on for the past two years is crushing back, has a beard and likes good beer (reference to the earlier post), that simple given doesn't seem like the given it once was. But I know it still is.

I've already told him my decision of discontinuing to date one another. I had peace for about a week with that decision. Half way through the week, he sent me poetry that basically asked me to reconsider. I still had peace until a couple of days after that he called to ask me about my reaction to the poetry. I held my ground. But then he texted back to clarify: he would respect my beliefs and be good to me if I gave him the chance.
I know that my answer will remain the same, but it hurts to give up, not only the guy you've been crushing on for two years, but also the first guy who has ever pursued with good intentions.

After he sent me the poetry, I was reminded of story of Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte. Jane and her beloved are at the chapel about to get married, when a man disrupts the ceremony. This man announces that Mr. Rochester (her beloved) is still married to another woman. Jane tries to leave, and Mr. Rochester tries to convince her to stay by explaining to her that his wife is mentally deranged and not the woman he married (he's actually locked her in the attic and hired somebody to take care of her). He cannot get a divorce, but tries to convince Jane that they could live as though they were married anyway.
Jane replies, to the man she loves, with some very powerful words:

"Laws and principles are not for times when there is no temptation; they are for such moments as this, when body and soul rise in mutiny against their rigor; stringent are they; inviolate they shall be."
And Jane leaves her beloved.

Like Jane, I'm tempted. Like Jane, I feel the hurt of doing the right thing. And just like Jane, I will follow the laws and principles in spite of it all and will leave this relationship behind.
And hopefully, just like Thoreau, I will find the greater meaning behind this struggle and sadness.