(1) I need the right kind of motivation to finish my last semester. I'm doing very poorly and am terribly, terribly unmotivated. At first, I just brushed it off, as I have a way of finishing strong, but this time it's different. I'm getting very frustrated with myself and this frustration isn't helping me but hurting me.
"Lord, when I am weak, You are strong."
(2) On Monday, I was realizing that I missed having the "boy I said 'no' to" as a friend. There were a few moments that day when I wanted to randomly text him about something that he might enjoy. And there are certain things that I just relate to him better about (I feel like I don't have many friends who are in my life that I converse with on a regular basis that geek out about the things they're passionate about...and he does, all the time. And I love hearing about the things that other people love. I can't always relate, but I sure do prefer spending time with those kinds of people). Sorry, that was a mini ramble.
Anyways, I went to Secret Place on Tuesday, and lo-and-behold, he showed up that day too. And it was good to see him again. But then it happened again on Wednesday and then again today. And the missing him on Monday was just at a friendship level, but the missing him has elevated. Pray that I remain strong in my decision and act in ways towards "the boy" that are glorifying to the Lord.
"Lord, when I am weak, You are strong."
(3) I'm fighting the lies of Satan that I'm some silly girl that isn't smart enough to finish her homework, or responsible enough to be proactive about finding a good and meaningful job, is annoying and stupid enough to ignore the one chance at romance that she might have, too out of shape to fit into her clothes and look good, doesn't have a chance at being a good dancer, etc. etc. I don't know what has started this snowball (there's a good chance I'm very sleep deprived), but when I sit with my thoughts and reflections, I feel inadequate. I know these are LIES, but the truth is I'm struggling to fight them off.
"Lord, when I am weak, You are strong."
These are my prayer requests.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Monday, February 14, 2011
Unmotivated But Blessed
This week promises to be a long one. I took a test today, a big paper due Wednesday (that I've yet to even start reading for and am not at all interested in), and then another yucky test Thursday.
I need motivation for all of this and fast!
Basically, I have a jumble of thoughts that are ready to issue forth. Be prepared.
First off, it feels good to finally be able to identity a bit of where my (lack of) motivation is coming from. Between talking with a friend and discussion in class, I have identified this:
I feel a huge weight of what my parents and relatives expect from me as an undergrad and what comes after. It feels as though their expectations are really high and if I don't put my best foot forward at every moment, it seems as though they expect me to fail. One prime example: my uncle stated that if I don't go to grad school right away, I never will. I feel like I can't necessarily meet all their expectations anymore, so part of me doesn't even want to try anymore. And because I don't try that hard anymore, part of me feels like I'm failing at life. I'm struggling with every single one of my classes, I don't have a real job for after school, and I don't know where I'm going to live or with whom. And it seems like everybody wants to know. Well, I don't...and everybody expecting me to know and to do well at it makes me not want to try. And so the cycle continues.
Now a good realization that doesn't make me feel inadequate.
In the past couple of weeks I have realized more and more how blessed I am to have the people in my life that I do. Thinking about my friendships, I was realizing how I don't have the one best friend that just gets me. But what I have instead are at least three friends that I feel that I will keep for life: Hannah Y., Katie M., and Katie W..
Hannah: you have been the source of so much life for me. You are so encouraging to so many people and it seems like you know exactly what to say at all the right moments. I am so incredibly blessed that you are in my life. I love my Wednesdays with you, or any other day for that matter. I love you, my dear friend. So, when I graduate: can we drink some beers on the kitchen floor?
Katie M: I don't think there is anybody else in this world who gets me quite like you do. You have filled my heart and mind with so much wisdom. I really don't know if I would have made it through the last three years without you being a part of my life. Your companionship on our many mini adventures, your influence of culture and Scripture, and your excitement for the little things has made my past years more full. Thank you for all of it.
Katie W: You have been one of the few constants in my college years. You are so strong and grounded and insightful. I may not see you as much anymore, but I think of all the people in my life, and after my mother, you may have had the most influence. I'm so excited that you will get to marry the love of your life soon, but I am sad that you will never again be my roommate. You have been so valuable to me.
I need motivation for all of this and fast!
Basically, I have a jumble of thoughts that are ready to issue forth. Be prepared.
First off, it feels good to finally be able to identity a bit of where my (lack of) motivation is coming from. Between talking with a friend and discussion in class, I have identified this:
I feel a huge weight of what my parents and relatives expect from me as an undergrad and what comes after. It feels as though their expectations are really high and if I don't put my best foot forward at every moment, it seems as though they expect me to fail. One prime example: my uncle stated that if I don't go to grad school right away, I never will. I feel like I can't necessarily meet all their expectations anymore, so part of me doesn't even want to try anymore. And because I don't try that hard anymore, part of me feels like I'm failing at life. I'm struggling with every single one of my classes, I don't have a real job for after school, and I don't know where I'm going to live or with whom. And it seems like everybody wants to know. Well, I don't...and everybody expecting me to know and to do well at it makes me not want to try. And so the cycle continues.
Now a good realization that doesn't make me feel inadequate.
In the past couple of weeks I have realized more and more how blessed I am to have the people in my life that I do. Thinking about my friendships, I was realizing how I don't have the one best friend that just gets me. But what I have instead are at least three friends that I feel that I will keep for life: Hannah Y., Katie M., and Katie W..
Hannah: you have been the source of so much life for me. You are so encouraging to so many people and it seems like you know exactly what to say at all the right moments. I am so incredibly blessed that you are in my life. I love my Wednesdays with you, or any other day for that matter. I love you, my dear friend. So, when I graduate: can we drink some beers on the kitchen floor?
Katie M: I don't think there is anybody else in this world who gets me quite like you do. You have filled my heart and mind with so much wisdom. I really don't know if I would have made it through the last three years without you being a part of my life. Your companionship on our many mini adventures, your influence of culture and Scripture, and your excitement for the little things has made my past years more full. Thank you for all of it.
Katie W: You have been one of the few constants in my college years. You are so strong and grounded and insightful. I may not see you as much anymore, but I think of all the people in my life, and after my mother, you may have had the most influence. I'm so excited that you will get to marry the love of your life soon, but I am sad that you will never again be my roommate. You have been so valuable to me.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Good Things
In the past many months, I've written a bunch about my struggles. I think that this is because, like Thoreau pointed out, that it's in when I'm struggling that I reflect most on my life. BUT, I am also inspired by other things too. Good things. Happy things. Positively joyful things.
Here are some of them:
*Jo Hoffberg's dancing. She dances so playfully and I love it.
This one is my favorite.
*Soft falling snow. Stand outside as it's falling and simply listen. It whispers.
I'm with many of you that are sick of the cold and winter, but when the snow falls, just take a moment to soak it in. It's beautiful, so don't let the moment pass.
*Good conversations and even better people at my secret place. It's getting to the point where the baristas know what I'm going to order.
*Spontaneous roa
d trips to see some of my favorite people. I went to Pequot Lakes last weekend to see Heather and her husband Aaron. Heather is the one that I lived with the summer after my freshmen year and spent the best summer of my life with. I also got to be in her wedding last spring. So, spending time with her, making faces, and playing hours upon hours of board games was a drink of refreshing to my soul.
<--This picture is from that summer.
Here are some of them:
*Jo Hoffberg's dancing. She dances so playfully and I love it.
This one is my favorite.
*Soft falling snow. Stand outside as it's falling and simply listen. It whispers.
I'm with many of you that are sick of the cold and winter, but when the snow falls, just take a moment to soak it in. It's beautiful, so don't let the moment pass.
*Good conversations and even better people at my secret place. It's getting to the point where the baristas know what I'm going to order.
*Spontaneous roa
d trips to see some of my favorite people. I went to Pequot Lakes last weekend to see Heather and her husband Aaron. Heather is the one that I lived with the summer after my freshmen year and spent the best summer of my life with. I also got to be in her wedding last spring. So, spending time with her, making faces, and playing hours upon hours of board games was a drink of refreshing to my soul.<--This picture is from that summer.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
