I need motivation for all of this and fast!
Basically, I have a jumble of thoughts that are ready to issue forth. Be prepared.
First off, it feels good to finally be able to identity a bit of where my (lack of) motivation is coming from. Between talking with a friend and discussion in class, I have identified this:
I feel a huge weight of what my parents and relatives expect from me as an undergrad and what comes after. It feels as though their expectations are really high and if I don't put my best foot forward at every moment, it seems as though they expect me to fail. One prime example: my uncle stated that if I don't go to grad school right away, I never will. I feel like I can't necessarily meet all their expectations anymore, so part of me doesn't even want to try anymore. And because I don't try that hard anymore, part of me feels like I'm failing at life. I'm struggling with every single one of my classes, I don't have a real job for after school, and I don't know where I'm going to live or with whom. And it seems like everybody wants to know. Well, I don't...and everybody expecting me to know and to do well at it makes me not want to try. And so the cycle continues.
Now a good realization that doesn't make me feel inadequate.
In the past couple of weeks I have realized more and more how blessed I am to have the people in my life that I do. Thinking about my friendships, I was realizing how I don't have the one best friend that just gets me. But what I have instead are at least three friends that I feel that I will keep for life: Hannah Y., Katie M., and Katie W..
Hannah: you have been the source of so much life for me. You are so encouraging to so many people and it seems like you know exactly what to say at all the right moments. I am so incredibly blessed that you are in my life. I love my Wednesdays with you, or any other day for that matter. I love you, my dear friend. So, when I graduate: can we drink some beers on the kitchen floor?
Katie M: I don't think there is anybody else in this world who gets me quite like you do. You have filled my heart and mind with so much wisdom. I really don't know if I would have made it through the last three years without you being a part of my life. Your companionship on our many mini adventures, your influence of culture and Scripture, and your excitement for the little things has made my past years more full. Thank you for all of it.
Katie W: You have been one of the few constants in my college years. You are so strong and grounded and insightful. I may not see you as much anymore, but I think of all the people in my life, and after my mother, you may have had the most influence. I'm so excited that you will get to marry the love of your life soon, but I am sad that you will never again be my roommate. You have been so valuable to me.
That nearly made me cry, Cassie. But thanks for saying that. I was actually just talking about you with Amy. I told I hadn't seen you in weeks and she said she has a coffee date with you this week... and I was jealous.
ReplyDeleteYou know this I'm sure, and it's hard to really feel the truth of it when family and the world expects certain things, but God knows what you'll be doing, where you'll be living, and who you'll know; and he's not worried, but he does want you to motivated for whatever HE has. And I dunno, I bet you'll find more motivation anyway in examining what HE expects of you and pursuing that... but, like I said, easier said than done or felt. Praying for you! Thanks for the update.