Prayer Requests:

(1) I need the right kind of motivation to finish my last semester. I'm doing very poorly and am terribly, terribly unmotivated. At first, I just brushed it off, as I have a way of finishing strong, but this time it's different. I'm getting very frustrated with myself and this frustration isn't helping me but hurting me.
"Lord, when I am weak, You are strong."

(2) On Monday, I was realizing that I missed having the "boy I said 'no' to" as a friend. There were a few moments that day when I wanted to randomly text him about something that he might enjoy. And there are certain things that I just relate to him better about (I feel like I don't have many friends who are in my life that I converse with on a regular basis that geek out about the things they're passionate about...and he does, all the time. And I love hearing about the things that other people love. I can't always relate, but I sure do prefer spending time with those kinds of people). Sorry, that was a mini ramble.
Anyways, I went to Secret Place on Tuesday, and lo-and-behold, he showed up that day too. And it was good to see him again. But then it happened again on Wednesday and then again today. And the missing him on Monday was just at a friendship level, but the missing him has elevated. Pray that I remain strong in my decision and act in ways towards "the boy" that are glorifying to the Lord.
"Lord, when I am weak, You are strong."

(3) I'm fighting the lies of Satan that I'm some silly girl that isn't smart enough to finish her homework, or responsible enough to be proactive about finding a good and meaningful job, is annoying and stupid enough to ignore the one chance at romance that she might have, too out of shape to fit into her clothes and look good, doesn't have a chance at being a good dancer, etc. etc. I don't know what has started this snowball (there's a good chance I'm very sleep deprived), but when I sit with my thoughts and reflections, I feel inadequate. I know these are LIES, but the truth is I'm struggling to fight them off.
"Lord, when I am weak, You are strong."

These are my prayer requests.

Unmotivated But Blessed

This week promises to be a long one. I took a test today, a big paper due Wednesday (that I've yet to even start reading for and am not at all interested in), and then another yucky test Thursday.
I need motivation for all of this and fast!

Basically, I have a jumble of thoughts that are ready to issue forth. Be prepared.

First off, it feels good to finally be able to identity a bit of where my (lack of) motivation is coming from. Between talking with a friend and discussion in class, I have identified this:
I feel a huge weight of what my parents and relatives expect from me as an undergrad and what comes after. It feels as though their expectations are really high and if I don't put my best foot forward at every moment, it seems as though they expect me to fail. One prime example: my uncle stated that if I don't go to grad school right away, I never will. I feel like I can't necessarily meet all their expectations anymore, so part of me doesn't even want to try anymore. And because I don't try that hard anymore, part of me feels like I'm failing at life. I'm struggling with every single one of my classes, I don't have a real job for after school, and I don't know where I'm going to live or with whom. And it seems like everybody wants to know. Well, I don't...and everybody expecting me to know and to do well at it makes me not want to try. And so the cycle continues.

Now a good realization that doesn't make me feel inadequate.
In the past couple of weeks I have realized more and more how blessed I am to have the people in my life that I do. Thinking about my friendships, I was realizing how I don't have the one best friend that just gets me. But what I have instead are at least three friends that I feel that I will keep for life: Hannah Y., Katie M., and Katie W..

Hannah: you have been the source of so much life for me. You are so encouraging to so many people and it seems like you know exactly what to say at all the right moments. I am so incredibly blessed that you are in my life. I love my Wednesdays with you, or any other day for that matter. I love you, my dear friend. So, when I graduate: can we drink some beers on the kitchen floor?

Katie M: I don't think there is anybody else in this world who gets me quite like you do. You have filled my heart and mind with so much wisdom. I really don't know if I would have made it through the last three years without you being a part of my life. Your companionship on our many mini adventures, your influence of culture and Scripture, and your excitement for the little things has made my past years more full. Thank you for all of it.

Katie W: You have been one of the few constants in my college years. You are so strong and grounded and insightful. I may not see you as much anymore, but I think of all the people in my life, and after my mother, you may have had the most influence. I'm so excited that you will get to marry the love of your life soon, but I am sad that you will never again be my roommate. You have been so valuable to me.

Good Things

In the past many months, I've written a bunch about my struggles. I think that this is because, like Thoreau pointed out, that it's in when I'm struggling that I reflect most on my life. BUT, I am also inspired by other things too. Good things. Happy things. Positively joyful things.
Here are some of them:

*Jo Hoffberg's dancing. She dances so playfully and I love it.
This one is my favorite.

*Soft falling snow. Stand outside as it's falling and simply listen. It whispers.
I'm with many of you that are sick of the cold and winter, but when the snow falls, just take a moment to soak it in. It's beautiful, so don't let the moment pass.

*Good conversations and even better people at my secret place. It's getting to the point where the baristas know what I'm going to order.

*Spontaneous road trips to see some of my favorite people. I went to Pequot Lakes last weekend to see Heather and her husband Aaron. Heather is the one that I lived with the summer after my freshmen year and spent the best summer of my life with. I also got to be in her wedding last spring. So, spending time with her, making faces, and playing hours upon hours of board games was a drink of refreshing to my soul.
<--This picture is from that summer.

Thoreau and Jane Eyre

When I was thinking about writing here, I realized that I write about many depressing thoughts. I hope that, in turn, I can also clearly convey the insight that I've gained from these thoughts. Henry David Thoreau knew both ends of the things depressing and reflected on his sadness and wrote these words in his journal in 1851:

"Why should pensiveness be akin to sadness? There is a certain fertile sadness which I would not avoid, but rather earnestly seek. It is positively joyful to me. It saves my life from being trivial."

The sadness and the struggles are the very things that are helping me to grow the most. Through these struggles I have seen my strengths, yes, but more so, I have seen my weaknesses. And in those weaknesses, the Lord shows me what I should be working on in my life or he shows me just how strong He was (and is) in those moments.

My latest struggle is not surprising. It has been over a man. It's complicated and simple, like any relationship tends to be.
This man is someone I've liked for over two years now, and I have found out that he has liked me for that long too. He's been incredibly sweet and understanding, generous and kind. But there is one large problem: he is not a believer.
To me it doesn't seem that simple, but really, it is.

A couple of posts back, I wrote about what I might want in a man and being a believer was a given. But when the man you've been crushing on for the past two years is crushing back, has a beard and likes good beer (reference to the earlier post), that simple given doesn't seem like the given it once was. But I know it still is.

I've already told him my decision of discontinuing to date one another. I had peace for about a week with that decision. Half way through the week, he sent me poetry that basically asked me to reconsider. I still had peace until a couple of days after that he called to ask me about my reaction to the poetry. I held my ground. But then he texted back to clarify: he would respect my beliefs and be good to me if I gave him the chance.
I know that my answer will remain the same, but it hurts to give up, not only the guy you've been crushing on for two years, but also the first guy who has ever pursued with good intentions.

After he sent me the poetry, I was reminded of story of Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte. Jane and her beloved are at the chapel about to get married, when a man disrupts the ceremony. This man announces that Mr. Rochester (her beloved) is still married to another woman. Jane tries to leave, and Mr. Rochester tries to convince her to stay by explaining to her that his wife is mentally deranged and not the woman he married (he's actually locked her in the attic and hired somebody to take care of her). He cannot get a divorce, but tries to convince Jane that they could live as though they were married anyway.
Jane replies, to the man she loves, with some very powerful words:

"Laws and principles are not for times when there is no temptation; they are for such moments as this, when body and soul rise in mutiny against their rigor; stringent are they; inviolate they shall be."
And Jane leaves her beloved.

Like Jane, I'm tempted. Like Jane, I feel the hurt of doing the right thing. And just like Jane, I will follow the laws and principles in spite of it all and will leave this relationship behind.
And hopefully, just like Thoreau, I will find the greater meaning behind this struggle and sadness.

Looking Back

I like to reread what I've written here on occasion. It show's me how the Lord has been working even when I couldn't see it at the time.

On April 26th I quoted Isaiah 43:1-5:

But now, this is what the Lord says--he who created you, O Jacob, he who formed you, O Israel: "Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the LORD, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior; I give Egypt for your ransom, Cush and Seba in your stead. Since you are precious and honored in my sight and because I love you, I will give men in exchange for you, and people in exchange for your life. Do not be afraid, for I am with you..."

At the time of writing the earlier post, I really needed to hear that the Lord was with me and would bring me through life's struggles. It resonated with me that He would bring me through the waters and the fire, that I was still precious to Him, and that He was LORD and Savior.

In rereading it, the part that stuck out this time was the end of this segment: " Since you are precious and honored in my sight and because I love you, I will give men in exchange for you, and people in exchange for your life."
The Lord removed somebody from my life and it hurt. But as time goes on, I see more and more into who God is calling me to be and I see more and more how that person would not have helped me become that person. The Lord was faithful to "give men in exchange for [me], and people in exchange for [my] life." I should not waste the blessings that the Lord gives, including the ones that He takes away.

Musings

There have been so many random thoughts in my head recently. So many lessons learned. So many superficial but interesting musings.

(1) Like any girl, I crave chocolate and think about the kind of man I would like to be married to someday. There are the deal breakers to think about: must love the Lord (duh) and be seeking after Him, be confident, humble, have a sense of humor. But I would also love it if he had a beard and liked to drink beer (responsibly!). As my past has shown me, the Lord is faithful to give me what I need, not necessarily what I want. So, I wonder what kind of man he will be.

(2) I also wonder if there will even be a husband in my future. Only time will tell. I do hope there will be one because one day...

(3) ...I want to be a foster/adoptive mom to a whole gaggle of children who need somebody to love them. And to love them not only with earthly love but also with the love of Christ. I would prefer to be married and give these children a chance to have both a mother and a father, and also so that I can have a support system for all the hard things that come along with children who have come from hard lives. I'm terribly, terribly excited for when this day comes!

(4) I love being a psychology major! It's all so interesting and applicable. And for your information, no, I'm not analyzing you. Rather, I'm analyzing me and how I'm reacting to you.

(5) My analysis of myself has led me to understand more of my self. For one, I'm a person with a high need of affiliation. This is the need for close, intimate, warm relationships. This kind of person is also more sensitive/anxious to interpreted cues that somebody doesn't like them, though they are often well liked by people.

(6) My love language is quality time and words of affirmation. I knew I was a quality time person, but I wasn't really aware that I was a words of affirmation person too. But with hindsight, I can definitely see this being true. With the exception of...

(7)...the fact that I also have a high need for honesty. I am a very honest person, but if you can't be honest with me in return, I will have a hard time accepting the things you say. I don't mean honest as in telling the truth, but in being real and not just being "Minnesotan nice."

(8) Along with the love languages assessment, I also took a language of apology assessment. I found out that I am the most receptive of an apology if the other person admits their wrong/responsibility in the matter. When it comes to conflict, I also find the most peace if I can tell the other person why I feel hurt (aka: why they hurt/frustrated me).

(9) Modern technology creates ADD in all of us. Between TV, computers and internet (especially facebook), and cell phones and texting, we are programed to constantly updated and quickly moving from task to task. We, as young American adult society are distracted. I am very much a member! I rarely write anything of a given length and when I do, I make it into a list (such as now). I am constantly wondering if I have a text message or if I have a new notification on facebook. I have a hard time focusing on any one thing for any real length of time. I even have a hard time focusing on the Word, even if I have adequate time to really dig in. I may have slept less my freshman year, but I was more focused then (at least when it comes to homework).

(10) With that being said, I think that I am going to challenge myself. Over break, I'm going to Indiana with my friends Hannah and Steffen for a week and a half. I will leave my phone at home and be rid of the internet (or at least facebook) for that period of time.

As for now: it is 1:30 am, I have laundry to fold, and I'm tired. Good night!

The Girl Who Cried "Boy"

I really am a silly girl. I am the girl who often cries “boy,” and today, it kicked me in the butt.

I sit here in a quiet, dimly lit coffee shop. The kind with musty couches and pretentious hipsters with their Apple computers, horn-rimmed glasses, and notebooks filled doodles and musings. My kind of place.

But in the corner sit two girls who disrupt the very nature of this place. They are speaking louder than the socially acceptable hush. Not only that, but their conversation is not even interesting, but annoying. They gossip, gossip, gossip. Tell boy story after boy story. And not one edifying thing comes out of their mouth. Well, one did proclaim “how nice” someone was, but the forced pleasantness in her voice would suggest that she was grasping at something “nice” to say herself.

I tell you all of this criticizing observation because this is the very trend I have found my own self in, especially in my relationship to the people from dancing. I can easily pick apart people’s dancing skills, social interactions, and emphasize how irritating I may find them. I know how to exclaim pleasantries about someone just to make up for all the gossiping I’ve done. And I definitely know how to gush about and dissect any boy story, big or small.

So today on my way to church I experienced a small encounter with a guy. It is of no matter to tell you. But, when I arrived to church, I gushed about the story to two of my female friends. There was a bit of a “you-silly-girl” tone to their voices but they were also amused.

Anyways, I moved on to go to service. I was going to sit with one of them and Amy. As I was going upstairs (from the fellowship hall in the basement to the chapel on first floor) to service, I saw another friend, whom I haven’t seen in a while, and rushed over to hug her and exchange hellos. In the process I lost the friend and Amy.

So I went to the chapel and walked in to look for them. I looked and looked around, but to no avail. Who I did see, on the other hand, was a bit unsettling to me.

Earlier this fall, I received a large bout of text messages from guy at church. A mere skeleton of the course of events:
-I received a few sporadic texts this summer inviting me to activities but I never responded. I was never able to go and I assumed they were texts sent to the masses.
-One night at the beginning of the fall, he sent something like 10 texts in the course of three late night hours asking why I never responded and accusing me of other things.
-I responded finally after a few more nights of these types of occurrences asking him to stop because I felt overwhelmed by the volume of texts I was receiving.
-He then sent another mass amount of texts telling me I was the one with a problem.
Needless to say, I don’t necessarily feel comfortable or safe about this man.

Back to the original story… This was the first time I had seen him at church since everything had happened. And seeing him left me feeling slightly frightened, so I left the chapel to seek out the friend and Amy. I wanted to find someone and fast to feel safer.

As I went to return downstairs to look for them, the friend came up the stairs with another one of her friends. Sigh of relief. But they started to enter the main level of the chapel, where the guy was. Feeling unsettled, I asked her if we could please go to the balcony. She continued to follow her friend into the chapel. I rushed to explain—“there is someone in there who I want to avoid.” A small laugh hinting at how silly she thought I was came from her mouth and body language. More subtle pleading, “No, really. He sent me a lot of texts and…” Dismissing me, she stated “You can sit up there by yourself if you want to. I’m sitting down here.” And she turned her back and walked away.

In that moment I not only felt frightened but also disrespected. And terribly, terribly hurt. Kind of like a slap in the face—the initial feeling of shock while the pain settles in.

I tried to dismiss the feeling quickly and went back downstairs to search for Amy. Thankfully I found her and thankfully she willingly sat with me in the balcony. And I tried desperately to push away the feelings and tell myself I was okay. But as I sat there in our third row balcony pew, the mixture of being frightened, disrespected, and hurt sank in deeper and deeper, and with it the tears and runny nose. And I wept.

The psych major in me analyzed the situation, and my conclusion is this: the friend was in the right to dismiss me. I am the girl that cried “boy” and hence her reaction to me wanting to avoid one. Even so, I still think my hurt is legitimate and so in part is her responsibility in causing it. I have bad habits, but she made a bad choice.

This moves onto my next thought process. There are a couple more friendships that I have been hurt by lately that are, in principle, similar to this one. It is easy to point fingers and place blame on the other person, but the Spirit has been helping me to identify my own sin in the matter before I confront the other person. Both sides have some responsibility in the brokenness of the relationship. I have bad habits and I've been hurt by their bad reactions. And my struggle now is wanting to repair friendships and confront the wrongs and hurts, but not knowing where my wrongs end and theirs begin. What sin is mine and what is theirs? How much do I claim as mine and how much do I hold them responsible to their own? And how do we turn the whole boat around to stop this broken relationship and turn it into one where we build up and encourage one another? I don't know yet, but I'm praying my way through it.