Tonight at church, Pastor Steve Treichler talked about conflict resolution. And I was convicted.
You see, my heart has been broken and hurt by somebody, and in attempting to heal myself, I have made my heart hardened and bitter towards that person. This person was somebody that has proclaimed to be a Christian but I have seen very little evidence of this in their life in the past year. I have been made angry and bitter by the mistakes and "wrongs" that I thought that this person has done. All things have been "their fault" in my mind and I have been so sinful in attempting to persuade many others around this person to feel the same as I do about them. That in and of itself is a sin that they Lord is convicting me of.
But tonight, Steve made a statement about as Christians and forgiveness. He stated that Christians do not have the choice in forgiving someone, as we are to always forgive. I have not been forgiving this person of anything. I've been clinging to the wrongs and the hurts that I have felt and have been holding it against them. I have been angry and have wanted some sort of revenge.
Further more, the hurt I have felt has been purely selfish. It's been all about my hurt and the wrongs done against me. It didn't really dawn on me until today that it should hurt more that this person has been walking away from the Lord. In my bitterness and anger, I have not once prayed for them. I can only imagine that my feelings and actions towards this person was more of a hindrance in their walk with the Lord than anything else. I'm ashamed to say that I haven't cared about this fact until tonight.
So tonight I am starting to ask the Lord, first, to forgive me of my sins, and then secondly, to help me to forgive others myself.
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Oh, How the Lord is Good!
This past weekend the Lord has shown me in 3 pretty big ways the magnitude of His blessing.
(1)For starters, this weekend I went to Des Moines, IA for the Heartland Swing Festival. I competed in two competitions. One of them was a Same Gendered Strictly (Strictly=enter as a couple) with one of my best friends, Kelsey. We did pretty well but didn't end up making finals. Praise Jesus! because it ended up being a mockery of a competition, including drunk men making fools of themselves and another two men kissing just to win. Not my, nor Kelsey's, cup of tea...so we were thankful.
But that's not even the big blessing. The other competition I entered in was the Jack and Jill (you enter as an individual and are paired with somebody random). There were 3 preliminary rounds of approximately 18 couples each. That's a lot of competition and I didn't, in the least, expect to make it to finals. When the list of finalists' names was posted, mine surprisingly was one of them. That alone felt like an accomplishment.
Well, in the final round, I got paired with a super great dancer by the name of Anthony Chen. Here's a video of him at another event. Great, huh? Definitely better than I am.
When they named the winners later that night, our names were called for first place. FIRST PLACE! And with that title, we each got $100 and passes for Lindy on the Rocks in Denver. This is the event that I paid for by working a bunch of odd jobs this past summer...and this year I get to go for free. And the money that was won basically paid for my expenses for this weekend, making this weekend almost free too. Thank you Lord and Anthony Chen.
And just so you know, that win was (in my mind) 80% Anthony, 20% me. Nonetheless, I'm thankful for the experience.
(2) When I returned to the Cities, I picked up my car (I carpooled with friends) and stopped to fill it up with gas. At the gas station, a man walked up to me, while I was pumping gas, and asked if I could spare a dollar for food. I lied to him and told him I didn't have any cash on hand. He walked away slowly while I finished pumping gas, but the Lord just kept prodding me: whatever you do unto the least of these, you do unto me.
So, I grabbed my check card, locked my car doors, and walked over to the man. I bought that man, whose name is Kevin, some gas station food. Every time I told him he could grab more if he wanted to, the smile on his tired old face got a little bit bigger. It's sad that it works this way because it's not about me, but helping him blessed me a lot. There was joy to be found in the occasion. And I hope the Lord provides more opportunities for me to see a little bit of Jesus.
(3) My back door house key is by itself, separate from my car keys. When I arrived home, I was unloading my luggage from my car when I dropped my house key in the snow. I searched and searched and searched for it for 20 minutes. I was so frustrated, but praying to the Lord to help me have the faith that He would show me where it was. I looked some more, but to no avail. I still have the front door key, so I moved my car to the front of the house (the pathway to the front door from the backyard has been snowed in since the beginning of winter, hence moving the car to the front). I unloaded my stuff inside, but moved my car to the back again (with the snow falling outside, it's just easier to make sure the car is in the back in case of a snow emergency later). I prayed some more and looked again, but still nothing.
When I came back inside, I wrote my roommate a note to tell her about the situation. Right after that, I picked up the hanging clothes I had and the key fell right to the floor. Bam, there it was.
It would have been so easy for that key to have fallen when I was moving the clothes into the house without me knowing. It could have fallen on the street or sidewalk without me ever knowing it was there. But instead, the Lord blessed me with having to trust Him first and then providing the very thing I asked for in faith.
Oh, how the Lord is good!
(1)For starters, this weekend I went to Des Moines, IA for the Heartland Swing Festival. I competed in two competitions. One of them was a Same Gendered Strictly (Strictly=enter as a couple) with one of my best friends, Kelsey. We did pretty well but didn't end up making finals. Praise Jesus! because it ended up being a mockery of a competition, including drunk men making fools of themselves and another two men kissing just to win. Not my, nor Kelsey's, cup of tea...so we were thankful.
But that's not even the big blessing. The other competition I entered in was the Jack and Jill (you enter as an individual and are paired with somebody random). There were 3 preliminary rounds of approximately 18 couples each. That's a lot of competition and I didn't, in the least, expect to make it to finals. When the list of finalists' names was posted, mine surprisingly was one of them. That alone felt like an accomplishment.
Well, in the final round, I got paired with a super great dancer by the name of Anthony Chen. Here's a video of him at another event. Great, huh? Definitely better than I am.
When they named the winners later that night, our names were called for first place. FIRST PLACE! And with that title, we each got $100 and passes for Lindy on the Rocks in Denver. This is the event that I paid for by working a bunch of odd jobs this past summer...and this year I get to go for free. And the money that was won basically paid for my expenses for this weekend, making this weekend almost free too. Thank you Lord and Anthony Chen.
And just so you know, that win was (in my mind) 80% Anthony, 20% me. Nonetheless, I'm thankful for the experience.
(2) When I returned to the Cities, I picked up my car (I carpooled with friends) and stopped to fill it up with gas. At the gas station, a man walked up to me, while I was pumping gas, and asked if I could spare a dollar for food. I lied to him and told him I didn't have any cash on hand. He walked away slowly while I finished pumping gas, but the Lord just kept prodding me: whatever you do unto the least of these, you do unto me.
So, I grabbed my check card, locked my car doors, and walked over to the man. I bought that man, whose name is Kevin, some gas station food. Every time I told him he could grab more if he wanted to, the smile on his tired old face got a little bit bigger. It's sad that it works this way because it's not about me, but helping him blessed me a lot. There was joy to be found in the occasion. And I hope the Lord provides more opportunities for me to see a little bit of Jesus.
(3) My back door house key is by itself, separate from my car keys. When I arrived home, I was unloading my luggage from my car when I dropped my house key in the snow. I searched and searched and searched for it for 20 minutes. I was so frustrated, but praying to the Lord to help me have the faith that He would show me where it was. I looked some more, but to no avail. I still have the front door key, so I moved my car to the front of the house (the pathway to the front door from the backyard has been snowed in since the beginning of winter, hence moving the car to the front). I unloaded my stuff inside, but moved my car to the back again (with the snow falling outside, it's just easier to make sure the car is in the back in case of a snow emergency later). I prayed some more and looked again, but still nothing.
When I came back inside, I wrote my roommate a note to tell her about the situation. Right after that, I picked up the hanging clothes I had and the key fell right to the floor. Bam, there it was.
It would have been so easy for that key to have fallen when I was moving the clothes into the house without me knowing. It could have fallen on the street or sidewalk without me ever knowing it was there. But instead, the Lord blessed me with having to trust Him first and then providing the very thing I asked for in faith.
Oh, how the Lord is good!
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Prayer Requests:
(1) I need the right kind of motivation to finish my last semester. I'm doing very poorly and am terribly, terribly unmotivated. At first, I just brushed it off, as I have a way of finishing strong, but this time it's different. I'm getting very frustrated with myself and this frustration isn't helping me but hurting me.
"Lord, when I am weak, You are strong."
(2) On Monday, I was realizing that I missed having the "boy I said 'no' to" as a friend. There were a few moments that day when I wanted to randomly text him about something that he might enjoy. And there are certain things that I just relate to him better about (I feel like I don't have many friends who are in my life that I converse with on a regular basis that geek out about the things they're passionate about...and he does, all the time. And I love hearing about the things that other people love. I can't always relate, but I sure do prefer spending time with those kinds of people). Sorry, that was a mini ramble.
Anyways, I went to Secret Place on Tuesday, and lo-and-behold, he showed up that day too. And it was good to see him again. But then it happened again on Wednesday and then again today. And the missing him on Monday was just at a friendship level, but the missing him has elevated. Pray that I remain strong in my decision and act in ways towards "the boy" that are glorifying to the Lord.
"Lord, when I am weak, You are strong."
(3) I'm fighting the lies of Satan that I'm some silly girl that isn't smart enough to finish her homework, or responsible enough to be proactive about finding a good and meaningful job, is annoying and stupid enough to ignore the one chance at romance that she might have, too out of shape to fit into her clothes and look good, doesn't have a chance at being a good dancer, etc. etc. I don't know what has started this snowball (there's a good chance I'm very sleep deprived), but when I sit with my thoughts and reflections, I feel inadequate. I know these are LIES, but the truth is I'm struggling to fight them off.
"Lord, when I am weak, You are strong."
These are my prayer requests.
"Lord, when I am weak, You are strong."
(2) On Monday, I was realizing that I missed having the "boy I said 'no' to" as a friend. There were a few moments that day when I wanted to randomly text him about something that he might enjoy. And there are certain things that I just relate to him better about (I feel like I don't have many friends who are in my life that I converse with on a regular basis that geek out about the things they're passionate about...and he does, all the time. And I love hearing about the things that other people love. I can't always relate, but I sure do prefer spending time with those kinds of people). Sorry, that was a mini ramble.
Anyways, I went to Secret Place on Tuesday, and lo-and-behold, he showed up that day too. And it was good to see him again. But then it happened again on Wednesday and then again today. And the missing him on Monday was just at a friendship level, but the missing him has elevated. Pray that I remain strong in my decision and act in ways towards "the boy" that are glorifying to the Lord.
"Lord, when I am weak, You are strong."
(3) I'm fighting the lies of Satan that I'm some silly girl that isn't smart enough to finish her homework, or responsible enough to be proactive about finding a good and meaningful job, is annoying and stupid enough to ignore the one chance at romance that she might have, too out of shape to fit into her clothes and look good, doesn't have a chance at being a good dancer, etc. etc. I don't know what has started this snowball (there's a good chance I'm very sleep deprived), but when I sit with my thoughts and reflections, I feel inadequate. I know these are LIES, but the truth is I'm struggling to fight them off.
"Lord, when I am weak, You are strong."
These are my prayer requests.
Monday, February 14, 2011
Unmotivated But Blessed
This week promises to be a long one. I took a test today, a big paper due Wednesday (that I've yet to even start reading for and am not at all interested in), and then another yucky test Thursday.
I need motivation for all of this and fast!
Basically, I have a jumble of thoughts that are ready to issue forth. Be prepared.
First off, it feels good to finally be able to identity a bit of where my (lack of) motivation is coming from. Between talking with a friend and discussion in class, I have identified this:
I feel a huge weight of what my parents and relatives expect from me as an undergrad and what comes after. It feels as though their expectations are really high and if I don't put my best foot forward at every moment, it seems as though they expect me to fail. One prime example: my uncle stated that if I don't go to grad school right away, I never will. I feel like I can't necessarily meet all their expectations anymore, so part of me doesn't even want to try anymore. And because I don't try that hard anymore, part of me feels like I'm failing at life. I'm struggling with every single one of my classes, I don't have a real job for after school, and I don't know where I'm going to live or with whom. And it seems like everybody wants to know. Well, I don't...and everybody expecting me to know and to do well at it makes me not want to try. And so the cycle continues.
Now a good realization that doesn't make me feel inadequate.
In the past couple of weeks I have realized more and more how blessed I am to have the people in my life that I do. Thinking about my friendships, I was realizing how I don't have the one best friend that just gets me. But what I have instead are at least three friends that I feel that I will keep for life: Hannah Y., Katie M., and Katie W..
Hannah: you have been the source of so much life for me. You are so encouraging to so many people and it seems like you know exactly what to say at all the right moments. I am so incredibly blessed that you are in my life. I love my Wednesdays with you, or any other day for that matter. I love you, my dear friend. So, when I graduate: can we drink some beers on the kitchen floor?
Katie M: I don't think there is anybody else in this world who gets me quite like you do. You have filled my heart and mind with so much wisdom. I really don't know if I would have made it through the last three years without you being a part of my life. Your companionship on our many mini adventures, your influence of culture and Scripture, and your excitement for the little things has made my past years more full. Thank you for all of it.
Katie W: You have been one of the few constants in my college years. You are so strong and grounded and insightful. I may not see you as much anymore, but I think of all the people in my life, and after my mother, you may have had the most influence. I'm so excited that you will get to marry the love of your life soon, but I am sad that you will never again be my roommate. You have been so valuable to me.
I need motivation for all of this and fast!
Basically, I have a jumble of thoughts that are ready to issue forth. Be prepared.
First off, it feels good to finally be able to identity a bit of where my (lack of) motivation is coming from. Between talking with a friend and discussion in class, I have identified this:
I feel a huge weight of what my parents and relatives expect from me as an undergrad and what comes after. It feels as though their expectations are really high and if I don't put my best foot forward at every moment, it seems as though they expect me to fail. One prime example: my uncle stated that if I don't go to grad school right away, I never will. I feel like I can't necessarily meet all their expectations anymore, so part of me doesn't even want to try anymore. And because I don't try that hard anymore, part of me feels like I'm failing at life. I'm struggling with every single one of my classes, I don't have a real job for after school, and I don't know where I'm going to live or with whom. And it seems like everybody wants to know. Well, I don't...and everybody expecting me to know and to do well at it makes me not want to try. And so the cycle continues.
Now a good realization that doesn't make me feel inadequate.
In the past couple of weeks I have realized more and more how blessed I am to have the people in my life that I do. Thinking about my friendships, I was realizing how I don't have the one best friend that just gets me. But what I have instead are at least three friends that I feel that I will keep for life: Hannah Y., Katie M., and Katie W..
Hannah: you have been the source of so much life for me. You are so encouraging to so many people and it seems like you know exactly what to say at all the right moments. I am so incredibly blessed that you are in my life. I love my Wednesdays with you, or any other day for that matter. I love you, my dear friend. So, when I graduate: can we drink some beers on the kitchen floor?
Katie M: I don't think there is anybody else in this world who gets me quite like you do. You have filled my heart and mind with so much wisdom. I really don't know if I would have made it through the last three years without you being a part of my life. Your companionship on our many mini adventures, your influence of culture and Scripture, and your excitement for the little things has made my past years more full. Thank you for all of it.
Katie W: You have been one of the few constants in my college years. You are so strong and grounded and insightful. I may not see you as much anymore, but I think of all the people in my life, and after my mother, you may have had the most influence. I'm so excited that you will get to marry the love of your life soon, but I am sad that you will never again be my roommate. You have been so valuable to me.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Good Things
In the past many months, I've written a bunch about my struggles. I think that this is because, like Thoreau pointed out, that it's in when I'm struggling that I reflect most on my life. BUT, I am also inspired by other things too. Good things. Happy things. Positively joyful things.
Here are some of them:
*Jo Hoffberg's dancing. She dances so playfully and I love it.
This one is my favorite.
*Soft falling snow. Stand outside as it's falling and simply listen. It whispers.
I'm with many of you that are sick of the cold and winter, but when the snow falls, just take a moment to soak it in. It's beautiful, so don't let the moment pass.
*Good conversations and even better people at my secret place. It's getting to the point where the baristas know what I'm going to order.
*Spontaneous roa
d trips to see some of my favorite people. I went to Pequot Lakes last weekend to see Heather and her husband Aaron. Heather is the one that I lived with the summer after my freshmen year and spent the best summer of my life with. I also got to be in her wedding last spring. So, spending time with her, making faces, and playing hours upon hours of board games was a drink of refreshing to my soul.
<--This picture is from that summer.
Here are some of them:
*Jo Hoffberg's dancing. She dances so playfully and I love it.
This one is my favorite.
*Soft falling snow. Stand outside as it's falling and simply listen. It whispers.
I'm with many of you that are sick of the cold and winter, but when the snow falls, just take a moment to soak it in. It's beautiful, so don't let the moment pass.
*Good conversations and even better people at my secret place. It's getting to the point where the baristas know what I'm going to order.
*Spontaneous roa
d trips to see some of my favorite people. I went to Pequot Lakes last weekend to see Heather and her husband Aaron. Heather is the one that I lived with the summer after my freshmen year and spent the best summer of my life with. I also got to be in her wedding last spring. So, spending time with her, making faces, and playing hours upon hours of board games was a drink of refreshing to my soul.<--This picture is from that summer.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Thoreau and Jane Eyre
When I was thinking about writing here, I realized that I write about many depressing thoughts. I hope that, in turn, I can also clearly convey the insight that I've gained from these thoughts. Henry David Thoreau knew both ends of the things depressing and reflected on his sadness and wrote these words in his journal in 1851:
"Why should pensiveness be akin to sadness? There is a certain fertile sadness which I would not avoid, but rather earnestly seek. It is positively joyful to me. It saves my life from being trivial."
The sadness and the struggles are the very things that are helping me to grow the most. Through these struggles I have seen my strengths, yes, but more so, I have seen my weaknesses. And in those weaknesses, the Lord shows me what I should be working on in my life or he shows me just how strong He was (and is) in those moments.
My latest struggle is not surprising. It has been over a man. It's complicated and simple, like any relationship tends to be.
This man is someone I've liked for over two years now, and I have found out that he has liked me for that long too. He's been incredibly sweet and understanding, generous and kind. But there is one large problem: he is not a believer.
To me it doesn't seem that simple, but really, it is.
A couple of posts back, I wrote about what I might want in a man and being a believer was a given. But when the man you've been crushing on for the past two years is crushing back, has a beard and likes good beer (reference to the earlier post), that simple given doesn't seem like the given it once was. But I know it still is.
I've already told him my decision of discontinuing to date one another. I had peace for about a week with that decision. Half way through the week, he sent me poetry that basically asked me to reconsider. I still had peace until a couple of days after that he called to ask me about my reaction to the poetry. I held my ground. But then he texted back to clarify: he would respect my beliefs and be good to me if I gave him the chance.
I know that my answer will remain the same, but it hurts to give up, not only the guy you've been crushing on for two years, but also the first guy who has ever pursued with good intentions.
After he sent me the poetry, I was reminded of story of Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte. Jane and her beloved are at the chapel about to get married, when a man disrupts the ceremony. This man announces that Mr. Rochester (her beloved) is still married to another woman. Jane tries to leave, and Mr. Rochester tries to convince her to stay by explaining to her that his wife is mentally deranged and not the woman he married (he's actually locked her in the attic and hired somebody to take care of her). He cannot get a divorce, but tries to convince Jane that they could live as though they were married anyway.
Jane replies, to the man she loves, with some very powerful words:
"Laws and principles are not for times when there is no temptation; they are for such moments as this, when body and soul rise in mutiny against their rigor; stringent are they; inviolate they shall be."
And Jane leaves her beloved.
Like Jane, I'm tempted. Like Jane, I feel the hurt of doing the right thing. And just like Jane, I will follow the laws and principles in spite of it all and will leave this relationship behind.
And hopefully, just like Thoreau, I will find the greater meaning behind this struggle and sadness.
"Why should pensiveness be akin to sadness? There is a certain fertile sadness which I would not avoid, but rather earnestly seek. It is positively joyful to me. It saves my life from being trivial."
The sadness and the struggles are the very things that are helping me to grow the most. Through these struggles I have seen my strengths, yes, but more so, I have seen my weaknesses. And in those weaknesses, the Lord shows me what I should be working on in my life or he shows me just how strong He was (and is) in those moments.
My latest struggle is not surprising. It has been over a man. It's complicated and simple, like any relationship tends to be.
This man is someone I've liked for over two years now, and I have found out that he has liked me for that long too. He's been incredibly sweet and understanding, generous and kind. But there is one large problem: he is not a believer.
To me it doesn't seem that simple, but really, it is.
A couple of posts back, I wrote about what I might want in a man and being a believer was a given. But when the man you've been crushing on for the past two years is crushing back, has a beard and likes good beer (reference to the earlier post), that simple given doesn't seem like the given it once was. But I know it still is.
I've already told him my decision of discontinuing to date one another. I had peace for about a week with that decision. Half way through the week, he sent me poetry that basically asked me to reconsider. I still had peace until a couple of days after that he called to ask me about my reaction to the poetry. I held my ground. But then he texted back to clarify: he would respect my beliefs and be good to me if I gave him the chance.
I know that my answer will remain the same, but it hurts to give up, not only the guy you've been crushing on for two years, but also the first guy who has ever pursued with good intentions.
After he sent me the poetry, I was reminded of story of Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte. Jane and her beloved are at the chapel about to get married, when a man disrupts the ceremony. This man announces that Mr. Rochester (her beloved) is still married to another woman. Jane tries to leave, and Mr. Rochester tries to convince her to stay by explaining to her that his wife is mentally deranged and not the woman he married (he's actually locked her in the attic and hired somebody to take care of her). He cannot get a divorce, but tries to convince Jane that they could live as though they were married anyway.
Jane replies, to the man she loves, with some very powerful words:
"Laws and principles are not for times when there is no temptation; they are for such moments as this, when body and soul rise in mutiny against their rigor; stringent are they; inviolate they shall be."
And Jane leaves her beloved.
Like Jane, I'm tempted. Like Jane, I feel the hurt of doing the right thing. And just like Jane, I will follow the laws and principles in spite of it all and will leave this relationship behind.
And hopefully, just like Thoreau, I will find the greater meaning behind this struggle and sadness.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
