Honesty is a scary, yet wonderful thing. It knocks you off your feet, it puts you in your place, it makes you cry, it makes you laugh, and it helps you trust. Or at least, honesty does all of that for me.
As noted before, I have been reading The Kingdom of Couches. The chapter on conversations has been on my mind a lot lately…to the point of me re-reading that entire chapter. One of the things that is expressed is the importance of honesty to conversation, and thus to community. Honesty is something that you could say I’m passionate about or that I’m good at. That may be why I liked that chapter so much. But, honesty has had a huge impact on me this weekend.
The big one…I found out that the guy didn’t like me back. Slight ouch. But, we bluntly hashed it out…what was going through our minds and why he didn’t like me back, why I still wanted to get to know him, why things are the way they are. And that blunt honesty felt so good. I don’t normally get that kind of honesty from people. It was refreshing. (And just so you all know, it was nice that I found out right away that he didn’t like me, unlike scenarios that happened this school year…so, that’s a blessing.)
Also, a few different people have stated lately how blunt and honest I am. Part of me doesn’t get it…why is that a big deal? I know that bluntness is a part of who I am. But, have I been more so lately? If I have, then I haven’t recognized it. And why should honesty ever be surprising? Shouldn’t honesty be the standard?
Oh, and one of the things that this guy and I discussed (or rather, he asked), was how was it that I could be that open with somebody, especially somebody I don’t know that well yet. First off, I didn’t feel like I was being that open, or not any more so than I ever am…I was just being me. But why is it that people have a hard time saying what they really think? Some things that I picked up on out of The Kingdom of Couches…
>We can know each other only to the degree that we are honest with each other.
> By not being honest I manipulate how others get to feel.
> I sense that if we told people the truth in the positive sense, telling them the truth in the negative sense would not be as big of a deal.
> It’s amazing what you find out about people when you ask them about themselves.
>Conversation is a world of ironies: I use conversation to make people like or admire me, but the person that people come to like and admire is a phantom, a persona that I’ve carefully constructed to hide behind.
> It’s just that honesty is risky; it’s rarely politically correct. It’s easier to lie or to just keep things impersonal.
All I can say is, from my point of view, I want to encourage you all to be painfully honest. Because sometimes, after the initial scare and pain of that honesty, it feels so good to know that you said all the things you were thinking…plus, it encourages others to speak the honest truth as well.
By the way, I'm thankful to know all of you…and that’s an honest truth.
I've never been one to be very confrontational. I don't like to do the wrong thing or offend someone. I don't like people being mad at me. I have a hard time being honest because of this. I think it's a little different in our group because we've gotten to know each other better. Honesty is something I want to get better at. Lindsay and I have kinda talked about this as far as being roommates next year - if something is bothering me, I want to come right out and say it and talk it out, not just let it go on and make me frustrated.
ReplyDeleteI don't feel as though you've been more blunt and honest lately. I like that about you. When I try to be really honest with someone about something that may potentially hurt their feelings or whatever, I tend to try to sugar-coat it. I want to be nice about it.
I think a big thing about people not being so open and honest when they initially meet, at least for me, is that we fear being hurt. If you let someone in far enough, you run the risk of them turning their back on you or something like that. The closer you get to someone, the harder they can hurt you.
*See my comment on your other post.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I totally agree with Amy's last paragraph. That's the main reason I have such a tough time just being honest with people. But the thing is, it's gonna hurt you just as hard to NOT be honest with people, so why not just do it? Thanks for bringing this up, Cass.
I agree with the other two posts, but there's something else I'd like to add that I think you and I talked about, Cassie?
ReplyDeleteReal productive, beneficial honesty (whether critical or positive) takes a lot of thought, effort, and care. I don't want some random friend's honesty about me (they don't know me), and I don't really want my close friends' whims about my life. I want honesty that comes after careful thought and evidences care for me, my relationship with God, and our friendship. That really takes a lot of time and dedication. And really, I think we're often too lazy to give that to each other because it's hard and scary.