Truth Be Told

Every time I try to start writing a blog entry, I just end up erasing it. I don't feel as though I explain myself well, I don't usually know what I even really do want to say, and I feel as though I end up getting churchy answers that don't really emote much inspiration. So, with that being said, I'm going to be my usual self and just go for the straight forward approach.

I want to be inspired. I want to be inspired by art, by music, by dancing, by the sky, by knowledge, by the city, but most of all, I want to be inspired by God. But, being in the place I am now, I don’t feel inspired in my faith at all. And that makes me frustrated and apathetic. Even so, as A.W. Tozer has brought back to my attention this summer, God is still here…still working, still speaking. [Read The Pursuit of God…great stuff]

Katie knows this best of all, but something you should all know is that I’m quite frightened by making commitments, especially regular time commitments that aren’t work or school. I’m trying to be better about this. Since realizing this, I have made a one year commitment to the Big Brother, Big Sister mentoring program. (Hey GUYS…they NEED men for the program, so you should check it out!) I’m excited, but still scared. Also, as you all know, I will be a MP this coming school year. This doesn’t have to be a huge time commitment if I don’t want it to be, but I do want it to be. I want to do a good job at ministering to the girls in my hall, to be available to them. Also, I want to still be able to be there for all the other people in my life (which, if you haven’t noticed, is a lot…but in a greatly fantastic way). With all this, I still need to make a big time commitment to working, so that I can pay all the bills that I need and want to pay (I would like to be able to pay for my housing this year without taking out a loan, which would mean I would have to work enough to pay it off). It all appears a bit daunting.

Next, there is a guy (as per usual with me…lol). I’m trying not to over-analyze the signs, or to think much of it. I enjoy the friendship, and for right now, that’s exactly what it needs to be. But truth be told, I wish that somebody would find me special enough to be something more. Furthermore, I’m just kind of sick of being the girl that’s buddy-buddy with all the guys, gets flirted with, gets some special attention, but never gets asked out (or gets asked out on casual dates). I know I’m the rule, but I’m ready to be somebody’s exception (Amy, you should know what I’m getting at ). If anything, none of this is really a problem, its more just an insecurity. And I’m thinking that’s its one of those stupid Satan lies.

There is so much more I could say/confess, but right now it's late and I would like to head to bed.