We are insecure people. I am an insecure woman.
I am proud. Boastful. Vain. Conceited. Self-conscious. Catty. Competitive. Annoying.
All because I am insecure.
And you want to know why I am insecure? It is because I am trying to find my security in a million things that will not last instead of finding it in the Christ that has never let me down.
What a foolish girl I have been.
Friday, August 26, 2011
Friday, August 5, 2011
Lonely Summer
This summer has been a lonely one for me.
This is the summer that I simply just had to work, no complaints. I had just graduated, was jobless for a few weeks and was running out of money, then I landed two jobs (a 2 month temp job and a waitressing job) within a week of each other. I worked hard, sometimes putting in more than 70 hours a week. I had also made commitments to other things and have tried to make it to important family events. And in doing all these things, I found little time for church, the Word, friends, laundry, and even sleep. But I'm making it through. I'm approaching the light at the end of the tunnel.
Throughout this summer, I haven't seen many of my friends. One: because I didn't really ever have the time to give. But also two: because none of them ever really called. And honestly that hurts a little.
And while that hurts, it's also a reminder to me. How often to I make a point to connect with the people who are important to me? Do I always expect them to be there or do I call simply just to connect with them? Mostly, I think I'm just as selfish about my friendships as I want to accuse others of being with me.
The "Golden Rule" works its magic again.
This is the summer that I simply just had to work, no complaints. I had just graduated, was jobless for a few weeks and was running out of money, then I landed two jobs (a 2 month temp job and a waitressing job) within a week of each other. I worked hard, sometimes putting in more than 70 hours a week. I had also made commitments to other things and have tried to make it to important family events. And in doing all these things, I found little time for church, the Word, friends, laundry, and even sleep. But I'm making it through. I'm approaching the light at the end of the tunnel.
Throughout this summer, I haven't seen many of my friends. One: because I didn't really ever have the time to give. But also two: because none of them ever really called. And honestly that hurts a little.
And while that hurts, it's also a reminder to me. How often to I make a point to connect with the people who are important to me? Do I always expect them to be there or do I call simply just to connect with them? Mostly, I think I'm just as selfish about my friendships as I want to accuse others of being with me.
The "Golden Rule" works its magic again.
Monday, June 13, 2011
Healthy Fear Against Shallowness
I was spending time with a friend today and something dawned on me: I haven't had one really insightful or deep or really meaningful thing to share. I felt shallow. Not as in "platinum blond can't stop thinking about myself and shopping" shallow, but without any real substance or even emotion shallow. The state I am in only goes down about an inch deep right now.
When did this start or what am I doing wrong? What other thing should I be doing?
And this got me thinking about the things that I used to do when I felt like I actually had something really intelligent, insightful, or deep to share.
I feel like I haven't read enough, spent enough time at church, spent enough time reading or understanding the word, spent enough quality time with friends, spent enough time being spontaneous and adventurous me, worked enough, etc. etc. I don't even feel like I've been dancing enough.
I feel like I haven't done enough of a lot of things, but I feel like I'm always busy or tired. Then what is it that I'm doing that is taking away from all the time that I want/should be doing other things? I don't honestly know.
Well, is this one of Satan's great lies: that I'm not enough? I don't think so. I think that this realization is something more along the lines of a "healthy fear." Just as we are to "fear the Lord," part of me thinks that its good that I fear being too shallow. Its forcing me to evaluate where my time goes. Now, hopefully apathy won't get in the way.
My friend actually shared with me a song lyric from Mumford and Sons that makes a lot of sense:
"If only I had an enemy bigger than my apathy I could have won."
When did this start or what am I doing wrong? What other thing should I be doing?
And this got me thinking about the things that I used to do when I felt like I actually had something really intelligent, insightful, or deep to share.
I feel like I haven't read enough, spent enough time at church, spent enough time reading or understanding the word, spent enough quality time with friends, spent enough time being spontaneous and adventurous me, worked enough, etc. etc. I don't even feel like I've been dancing enough.
I feel like I haven't done enough of a lot of things, but I feel like I'm always busy or tired. Then what is it that I'm doing that is taking away from all the time that I want/should be doing other things? I don't honestly know.
Well, is this one of Satan's great lies: that I'm not enough? I don't think so. I think that this realization is something more along the lines of a "healthy fear." Just as we are to "fear the Lord," part of me thinks that its good that I fear being too shallow. Its forcing me to evaluate where my time goes. Now, hopefully apathy won't get in the way.
My friend actually shared with me a song lyric from Mumford and Sons that makes a lot of sense:
"If only I had an enemy bigger than my apathy I could have won."
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Forgiveness
Tonight at church, Pastor Steve Treichler talked about conflict resolution. And I was convicted.
You see, my heart has been broken and hurt by somebody, and in attempting to heal myself, I have made my heart hardened and bitter towards that person. This person was somebody that has proclaimed to be a Christian but I have seen very little evidence of this in their life in the past year. I have been made angry and bitter by the mistakes and "wrongs" that I thought that this person has done. All things have been "their fault" in my mind and I have been so sinful in attempting to persuade many others around this person to feel the same as I do about them. That in and of itself is a sin that they Lord is convicting me of.
But tonight, Steve made a statement about as Christians and forgiveness. He stated that Christians do not have the choice in forgiving someone, as we are to always forgive. I have not been forgiving this person of anything. I've been clinging to the wrongs and the hurts that I have felt and have been holding it against them. I have been angry and have wanted some sort of revenge.
Further more, the hurt I have felt has been purely selfish. It's been all about my hurt and the wrongs done against me. It didn't really dawn on me until today that it should hurt more that this person has been walking away from the Lord. In my bitterness and anger, I have not once prayed for them. I can only imagine that my feelings and actions towards this person was more of a hindrance in their walk with the Lord than anything else. I'm ashamed to say that I haven't cared about this fact until tonight.
So tonight I am starting to ask the Lord, first, to forgive me of my sins, and then secondly, to help me to forgive others myself.
You see, my heart has been broken and hurt by somebody, and in attempting to heal myself, I have made my heart hardened and bitter towards that person. This person was somebody that has proclaimed to be a Christian but I have seen very little evidence of this in their life in the past year. I have been made angry and bitter by the mistakes and "wrongs" that I thought that this person has done. All things have been "their fault" in my mind and I have been so sinful in attempting to persuade many others around this person to feel the same as I do about them. That in and of itself is a sin that they Lord is convicting me of.
But tonight, Steve made a statement about as Christians and forgiveness. He stated that Christians do not have the choice in forgiving someone, as we are to always forgive. I have not been forgiving this person of anything. I've been clinging to the wrongs and the hurts that I have felt and have been holding it against them. I have been angry and have wanted some sort of revenge.
Further more, the hurt I have felt has been purely selfish. It's been all about my hurt and the wrongs done against me. It didn't really dawn on me until today that it should hurt more that this person has been walking away from the Lord. In my bitterness and anger, I have not once prayed for them. I can only imagine that my feelings and actions towards this person was more of a hindrance in their walk with the Lord than anything else. I'm ashamed to say that I haven't cared about this fact until tonight.
So tonight I am starting to ask the Lord, first, to forgive me of my sins, and then secondly, to help me to forgive others myself.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Oh, How the Lord is Good!
This past weekend the Lord has shown me in 3 pretty big ways the magnitude of His blessing.
(1)For starters, this weekend I went to Des Moines, IA for the Heartland Swing Festival. I competed in two competitions. One of them was a Same Gendered Strictly (Strictly=enter as a couple) with one of my best friends, Kelsey. We did pretty well but didn't end up making finals. Praise Jesus! because it ended up being a mockery of a competition, including drunk men making fools of themselves and another two men kissing just to win. Not my, nor Kelsey's, cup of tea...so we were thankful.
But that's not even the big blessing. The other competition I entered in was the Jack and Jill (you enter as an individual and are paired with somebody random). There were 3 preliminary rounds of approximately 18 couples each. That's a lot of competition and I didn't, in the least, expect to make it to finals. When the list of finalists' names was posted, mine surprisingly was one of them. That alone felt like an accomplishment.
Well, in the final round, I got paired with a super great dancer by the name of Anthony Chen. Here's a video of him at another event. Great, huh? Definitely better than I am.
When they named the winners later that night, our names were called for first place. FIRST PLACE! And with that title, we each got $100 and passes for Lindy on the Rocks in Denver. This is the event that I paid for by working a bunch of odd jobs this past summer...and this year I get to go for free. And the money that was won basically paid for my expenses for this weekend, making this weekend almost free too. Thank you Lord and Anthony Chen.
And just so you know, that win was (in my mind) 80% Anthony, 20% me. Nonetheless, I'm thankful for the experience.
(2) When I returned to the Cities, I picked up my car (I carpooled with friends) and stopped to fill it up with gas. At the gas station, a man walked up to me, while I was pumping gas, and asked if I could spare a dollar for food. I lied to him and told him I didn't have any cash on hand. He walked away slowly while I finished pumping gas, but the Lord just kept prodding me: whatever you do unto the least of these, you do unto me.
So, I grabbed my check card, locked my car doors, and walked over to the man. I bought that man, whose name is Kevin, some gas station food. Every time I told him he could grab more if he wanted to, the smile on his tired old face got a little bit bigger. It's sad that it works this way because it's not about me, but helping him blessed me a lot. There was joy to be found in the occasion. And I hope the Lord provides more opportunities for me to see a little bit of Jesus.
(3) My back door house key is by itself, separate from my car keys. When I arrived home, I was unloading my luggage from my car when I dropped my house key in the snow. I searched and searched and searched for it for 20 minutes. I was so frustrated, but praying to the Lord to help me have the faith that He would show me where it was. I looked some more, but to no avail. I still have the front door key, so I moved my car to the front of the house (the pathway to the front door from the backyard has been snowed in since the beginning of winter, hence moving the car to the front). I unloaded my stuff inside, but moved my car to the back again (with the snow falling outside, it's just easier to make sure the car is in the back in case of a snow emergency later). I prayed some more and looked again, but still nothing.
When I came back inside, I wrote my roommate a note to tell her about the situation. Right after that, I picked up the hanging clothes I had and the key fell right to the floor. Bam, there it was.
It would have been so easy for that key to have fallen when I was moving the clothes into the house without me knowing. It could have fallen on the street or sidewalk without me ever knowing it was there. But instead, the Lord blessed me with having to trust Him first and then providing the very thing I asked for in faith.
Oh, how the Lord is good!
(1)For starters, this weekend I went to Des Moines, IA for the Heartland Swing Festival. I competed in two competitions. One of them was a Same Gendered Strictly (Strictly=enter as a couple) with one of my best friends, Kelsey. We did pretty well but didn't end up making finals. Praise Jesus! because it ended up being a mockery of a competition, including drunk men making fools of themselves and another two men kissing just to win. Not my, nor Kelsey's, cup of tea...so we were thankful.
But that's not even the big blessing. The other competition I entered in was the Jack and Jill (you enter as an individual and are paired with somebody random). There were 3 preliminary rounds of approximately 18 couples each. That's a lot of competition and I didn't, in the least, expect to make it to finals. When the list of finalists' names was posted, mine surprisingly was one of them. That alone felt like an accomplishment.
Well, in the final round, I got paired with a super great dancer by the name of Anthony Chen. Here's a video of him at another event. Great, huh? Definitely better than I am.
When they named the winners later that night, our names were called for first place. FIRST PLACE! And with that title, we each got $100 and passes for Lindy on the Rocks in Denver. This is the event that I paid for by working a bunch of odd jobs this past summer...and this year I get to go for free. And the money that was won basically paid for my expenses for this weekend, making this weekend almost free too. Thank you Lord and Anthony Chen.
And just so you know, that win was (in my mind) 80% Anthony, 20% me. Nonetheless, I'm thankful for the experience.
(2) When I returned to the Cities, I picked up my car (I carpooled with friends) and stopped to fill it up with gas. At the gas station, a man walked up to me, while I was pumping gas, and asked if I could spare a dollar for food. I lied to him and told him I didn't have any cash on hand. He walked away slowly while I finished pumping gas, but the Lord just kept prodding me: whatever you do unto the least of these, you do unto me.
So, I grabbed my check card, locked my car doors, and walked over to the man. I bought that man, whose name is Kevin, some gas station food. Every time I told him he could grab more if he wanted to, the smile on his tired old face got a little bit bigger. It's sad that it works this way because it's not about me, but helping him blessed me a lot. There was joy to be found in the occasion. And I hope the Lord provides more opportunities for me to see a little bit of Jesus.
(3) My back door house key is by itself, separate from my car keys. When I arrived home, I was unloading my luggage from my car when I dropped my house key in the snow. I searched and searched and searched for it for 20 minutes. I was so frustrated, but praying to the Lord to help me have the faith that He would show me where it was. I looked some more, but to no avail. I still have the front door key, so I moved my car to the front of the house (the pathway to the front door from the backyard has been snowed in since the beginning of winter, hence moving the car to the front). I unloaded my stuff inside, but moved my car to the back again (with the snow falling outside, it's just easier to make sure the car is in the back in case of a snow emergency later). I prayed some more and looked again, but still nothing.
When I came back inside, I wrote my roommate a note to tell her about the situation. Right after that, I picked up the hanging clothes I had and the key fell right to the floor. Bam, there it was.
It would have been so easy for that key to have fallen when I was moving the clothes into the house without me knowing. It could have fallen on the street or sidewalk without me ever knowing it was there. But instead, the Lord blessed me with having to trust Him first and then providing the very thing I asked for in faith.
Oh, how the Lord is good!
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Prayer Requests:
(1) I need the right kind of motivation to finish my last semester. I'm doing very poorly and am terribly, terribly unmotivated. At first, I just brushed it off, as I have a way of finishing strong, but this time it's different. I'm getting very frustrated with myself and this frustration isn't helping me but hurting me.
"Lord, when I am weak, You are strong."
(2) On Monday, I was realizing that I missed having the "boy I said 'no' to" as a friend. There were a few moments that day when I wanted to randomly text him about something that he might enjoy. And there are certain things that I just relate to him better about (I feel like I don't have many friends who are in my life that I converse with on a regular basis that geek out about the things they're passionate about...and he does, all the time. And I love hearing about the things that other people love. I can't always relate, but I sure do prefer spending time with those kinds of people). Sorry, that was a mini ramble.
Anyways, I went to Secret Place on Tuesday, and lo-and-behold, he showed up that day too. And it was good to see him again. But then it happened again on Wednesday and then again today. And the missing him on Monday was just at a friendship level, but the missing him has elevated. Pray that I remain strong in my decision and act in ways towards "the boy" that are glorifying to the Lord.
"Lord, when I am weak, You are strong."
(3) I'm fighting the lies of Satan that I'm some silly girl that isn't smart enough to finish her homework, or responsible enough to be proactive about finding a good and meaningful job, is annoying and stupid enough to ignore the one chance at romance that she might have, too out of shape to fit into her clothes and look good, doesn't have a chance at being a good dancer, etc. etc. I don't know what has started this snowball (there's a good chance I'm very sleep deprived), but when I sit with my thoughts and reflections, I feel inadequate. I know these are LIES, but the truth is I'm struggling to fight them off.
"Lord, when I am weak, You are strong."
These are my prayer requests.
"Lord, when I am weak, You are strong."
(2) On Monday, I was realizing that I missed having the "boy I said 'no' to" as a friend. There were a few moments that day when I wanted to randomly text him about something that he might enjoy. And there are certain things that I just relate to him better about (I feel like I don't have many friends who are in my life that I converse with on a regular basis that geek out about the things they're passionate about...and he does, all the time. And I love hearing about the things that other people love. I can't always relate, but I sure do prefer spending time with those kinds of people). Sorry, that was a mini ramble.
Anyways, I went to Secret Place on Tuesday, and lo-and-behold, he showed up that day too. And it was good to see him again. But then it happened again on Wednesday and then again today. And the missing him on Monday was just at a friendship level, but the missing him has elevated. Pray that I remain strong in my decision and act in ways towards "the boy" that are glorifying to the Lord.
"Lord, when I am weak, You are strong."
(3) I'm fighting the lies of Satan that I'm some silly girl that isn't smart enough to finish her homework, or responsible enough to be proactive about finding a good and meaningful job, is annoying and stupid enough to ignore the one chance at romance that she might have, too out of shape to fit into her clothes and look good, doesn't have a chance at being a good dancer, etc. etc. I don't know what has started this snowball (there's a good chance I'm very sleep deprived), but when I sit with my thoughts and reflections, I feel inadequate. I know these are LIES, but the truth is I'm struggling to fight them off.
"Lord, when I am weak, You are strong."
These are my prayer requests.
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