This Is My Refuge

"It's been a hard month and a week here we go again.
It's breaking my heart looking for peace,looking for anything.
But I will rely, I will repeat, trusting my everything in you that's in me."
The Rocket Summer, "This is a Refuge"

I've had a good past 2 weeks with all that's been going on. Having my roommate scold me and having some direction with swing dancing has helped. But that doesn't mean that I don't still have my moments. This morning I woke up to dreams of what's been happening, and that made it harder to push past today. Needless to say, the end of my day was a bit tough.

I think it's easier to stay away from feeling sad if I can stay busy. With the summer beginning brings freedom, but it also brings about the fact that a lot of my friends are gone. Which scares me. It scares me that the people I have chosen to let in about what's going on aren't around to help me, and it scares me because it seems like I won't be as busy. But I can't stay busy forever, and dealing with the emotions is healthy too.

I was speaking with a friend about a situation that is similar to mine. We talked about healing and getting to the point of not being sad, but we also talked about being scared about not feeling that sadness anymore. The sadness and the tears makes it, in a sense, more real. And to make it through that sadness, to let it go...well, that is a scary thing.

Later, I was reading Jeremiah 17 and praying to the Lord as I read and struggling with this whole concept. I was asking Him for healing from the hurt and sadness, but then I had to stop myself and confess to Him that I would be lying if I said that to Him. Part of me doesn't want to be healed. As I was struggling to want to let the Lord heal me of the hurt, I read verse 14: "Heal me, O Lord, and I will be healed; save me and I will be saved, for you are the one I praise."
Thank you Lord for letting me hear what I need to hear.