"am i just afraid
a sad little girl hiding under excuses
or do i know myself like i say i do" - Danae Iverson
I need to make a choice. That's not even a completely honest statement, as I have already made the choice. I don't like him like that. But I sure do enjoy being his friend. So why is it so hard to tell him? I say that I know how to be blunt and honest, but I've had two chances already. Two chances come and gone, leaving me with the reminder that I have yet to say some blunt and honest words. I don't want to lead him on, as he deserves far better. But I don't want to be the bad guy. But usually I don't care. Just as long as the honest truth comes out. But do I really know myself the way I say I do? The choices I've made say no. But the choice that I've made says that I need to.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Saturday, January 30, 2010
A Part of Their World
Went to a dance club thing for the indie kids who can't dance. I've done it before, I'll probably do it again. But hopefully with new eyes.
I love those people. I judge them sometimes too. But what it comes down to is that most of the time, part of me wishes I could be just as cool, just like them. A part of their world.
I've gotten too close to that point. Being a part of their world means part of me will have to deny Christ. Being part of their world means becoming worldly. And I've gone too far in.
This is my third time going. This time, my friend Heather came along. She opened my eyes.
Before my worldly eyes had been looking past all the perversion, seeing only the "exciting" world of the indie kids. I didn't see the people who were trying to fill their lives with an exciting night at the club instead of the true fulfillment of Christ. I didn't see the people who had lost every concept of the pure, intimate image of sex between husband and wife. I didn't see the people who found pleasure from escaping their problems for a moment through intoxication instead of rejoicing always in the Lord. I just didn't see the people who were bound to hell. Until my eyes were opened.
We were given the Great Commission, and with good reason. Once upon a time, I felt that need for others to come to Christ. But somewhere along the line, I lost that. I feel bad for the people that I've met in the past 6-9 months, especially the ones that just don't know. I didn't see the need to tell them anything about Christ.
I don't want to be worldly. I don't want to be blind. I want to see the way, the truth, and the life. And I want Christ to help me point everybody else to that as well.
I love those people. I judge them sometimes too. But what it comes down to is that most of the time, part of me wishes I could be just as cool, just like them. A part of their world.
I've gotten too close to that point. Being a part of their world means part of me will have to deny Christ. Being part of their world means becoming worldly. And I've gone too far in.
This is my third time going. This time, my friend Heather came along. She opened my eyes.
Before my worldly eyes had been looking past all the perversion, seeing only the "exciting" world of the indie kids. I didn't see the people who were trying to fill their lives with an exciting night at the club instead of the true fulfillment of Christ. I didn't see the people who had lost every concept of the pure, intimate image of sex between husband and wife. I didn't see the people who found pleasure from escaping their problems for a moment through intoxication instead of rejoicing always in the Lord. I just didn't see the people who were bound to hell. Until my eyes were opened.
We were given the Great Commission, and with good reason. Once upon a time, I felt that need for others to come to Christ. But somewhere along the line, I lost that. I feel bad for the people that I've met in the past 6-9 months, especially the ones that just don't know. I didn't see the need to tell them anything about Christ.
I don't want to be worldly. I don't want to be blind. I want to see the way, the truth, and the life. And I want Christ to help me point everybody else to that as well.
Monday, January 18, 2010
God's Love
I do not understand, nor do I really feel God's love. I'm no pagan, but at the same time I'm honest.
There is only one love that I've ever been able to "feel" and that's the love I've received from my mother. I know from the depths of my being that she does, and it's because this love is so known that I can say that I feel it. Sure, I have the knowledge that there are other loves out there and that others have loved me, but I've never felt the certainty of their love. And this makes me doubt it. Even the love of God.
But here's the kicker: I know that God is sure and true to His word. His word says that He is love. I may not understand or feel that now, but I know that I will in due time. Because He is the essence of love, His love will ever surpass that of which my mother has shown and is still showing me. And her's is a big love.
There is only one love that I've ever been able to "feel" and that's the love I've received from my mother. I know from the depths of my being that she does, and it's because this love is so known that I can say that I feel it. Sure, I have the knowledge that there are other loves out there and that others have loved me, but I've never felt the certainty of their love. And this makes me doubt it. Even the love of God.
But here's the kicker: I know that God is sure and true to His word. His word says that He is love. I may not understand or feel that now, but I know that I will in due time. Because He is the essence of love, His love will ever surpass that of which my mother has shown and is still showing me. And her's is a big love.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
My Two-Cents
Over break, my mom got me a job back home packing diabetic syringes. Praise the LORD! I needed the job, so as not to go into a brief lapse of college poverty. But that's not the point. While I was there, I realized a few things.
First is this: THANK YOU GUYS for have AMBITIONS!!! Many of the guys that I worked with had very few ambitions for their lives. They couldn't see past their world of working a job that requires no real thought, working for the weekend, and then going to bars and drinking. I guess, in a sense, it's good that they know what it is to be content. But it's also so disappointing and frustrating to experience people who do not wish to challenge themselves to improve their lives. Basically my point is this: I thank you sooo much guys for striving for goals, whether those goals are spiritually, mentally, educationally, or life goals. I'm pretty sure that I can speak for all the girls when I say that we appreciate this aspect in you and that we're proud of you too.
Second is this: I want to stop swearing as much. I do not think swearing is a sin, but I realized that people who swear often just sound like "trailer trash." Sorry if that sounds harsh, but while working my job over break, I heard many a middle-age or older lady use curse words as everyday vocabulary, which only made them appear unintelligent and not classy.
That's my two-cents.
First is this: THANK YOU GUYS for have AMBITIONS!!! Many of the guys that I worked with had very few ambitions for their lives. They couldn't see past their world of working a job that requires no real thought, working for the weekend, and then going to bars and drinking. I guess, in a sense, it's good that they know what it is to be content. But it's also so disappointing and frustrating to experience people who do not wish to challenge themselves to improve their lives. Basically my point is this: I thank you sooo much guys for striving for goals, whether those goals are spiritually, mentally, educationally, or life goals. I'm pretty sure that I can speak for all the girls when I say that we appreciate this aspect in you and that we're proud of you too.
Second is this: I want to stop swearing as much. I do not think swearing is a sin, but I realized that people who swear often just sound like "trailer trash." Sorry if that sounds harsh, but while working my job over break, I heard many a middle-age or older lady use curse words as everyday vocabulary, which only made them appear unintelligent and not classy.
That's my two-cents.
Friday, October 23, 2009
Singleness Pt. 2
So, this is right after chapel--thus, this will be a quick thought. Just thought I would get it down before I forgot altogether.
In regards to what the Lord is teaching me, a realization hit during the first couple of songs in chapel today. These thoughts are not new and original, but definitely needed to be realized.
Preface: swing dancing, I love. But, it also can bring out my "growth areas." Anywho, I was realizing that the flirting and whatnot is a manifestation of trying to find value or worth. My worth does not come from some man's attention toward me, pursual of me, or anything else any person can show or give me. No, my worth comes through the fact that I am a child of God. I am called friend. I am forgiven, because Christ went to the cross. I am loved by the King of Kings. That is where my worth is. But, I don't always accept that, and my actions can clearly show it. Like when I try to flirt my way into having some guy at swing dancing like me/want to dance with me.
There is the Psalm (I forgot which one) that came to mind during chapel in regards to all these thoughts. "Create in me a pure heart and a steadfast spirit within me." I want to have a heart that truly knows its worth, that is pure before the Lord, and a spirit that keeps me pursuing to keep my heart that way.
I'm realizing this more and more each day. Some times, like at dancing, I stumble in my journey there.
Well, I need to head to class (see you in a few Erik...ha.)!
In regards to what the Lord is teaching me, a realization hit during the first couple of songs in chapel today. These thoughts are not new and original, but definitely needed to be realized.
Preface: swing dancing, I love. But, it also can bring out my "growth areas." Anywho, I was realizing that the flirting and whatnot is a manifestation of trying to find value or worth. My worth does not come from some man's attention toward me, pursual of me, or anything else any person can show or give me. No, my worth comes through the fact that I am a child of God. I am called friend. I am forgiven, because Christ went to the cross. I am loved by the King of Kings. That is where my worth is. But, I don't always accept that, and my actions can clearly show it. Like when I try to flirt my way into having some guy at swing dancing like me/want to dance with me.
There is the Psalm (I forgot which one) that came to mind during chapel in regards to all these thoughts. "Create in me a pure heart and a steadfast spirit within me." I want to have a heart that truly knows its worth, that is pure before the Lord, and a spirit that keeps me pursuing to keep my heart that way.
I'm realizing this more and more each day. Some times, like at dancing, I stumble in my journey there.
Well, I need to head to class (see you in a few Erik...ha.)!
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
This Stage of My Life
So, I don't have a ton of time, but I thought that it might be okay to tell you about what I've been learning one day at a time.
Thus, I will start with the first point of the list I created yesterday. The first point was about the stage of life that the Lord has me in, and one of the descriptors for this stage is Single.
The last night that we spent at Amy's cabin, the Lord was bringing to my attention a lot of things. One of these things was being content in my singleness. I am flirt, as we are all aware. And basically, the Lord confronted me, and basically asked, "Why are you trying to fight the place I've put you? You're there for a reason." That place, as said before, is my singleness. Through much of my flirtatiousness, I was basically telling God that I am not okay with His plan for right now. BUT, I want to be. Practically, what that means for right now, is being intentional about hanging with the girls and not so much the boys, holding back on the flirting (this is HARD for me, but I'm learning!), and saying short prayers throughout the day to keep my eyes on the Lord.
I am struggling through and learning what it looks like to find all my contentment first and foremost in the Lord. I'm no-where near the end of this lesson, but I am a few steps closer than I was at the beginning of this semester.
Prayer requests: While I am trying to keep focused on the Lord and on my gal pals, it makes the smaller gestures that guys do seem that much bigger now. I'm struggling on not over-analyzing things, so if you think about it, pray that the Lord gives me the strength to tell myself the truth, and plainly, that I just don't try to look for the gestures--that I see things for what they really are. Thanks
So, now I should truly get back to homework. :)
Thus, I will start with the first point of the list I created yesterday. The first point was about the stage of life that the Lord has me in, and one of the descriptors for this stage is Single.
The last night that we spent at Amy's cabin, the Lord was bringing to my attention a lot of things. One of these things was being content in my singleness. I am flirt, as we are all aware. And basically, the Lord confronted me, and basically asked, "Why are you trying to fight the place I've put you? You're there for a reason." That place, as said before, is my singleness. Through much of my flirtatiousness, I was basically telling God that I am not okay with His plan for right now. BUT, I want to be. Practically, what that means for right now, is being intentional about hanging with the girls and not so much the boys, holding back on the flirting (this is HARD for me, but I'm learning!), and saying short prayers throughout the day to keep my eyes on the Lord.
I am struggling through and learning what it looks like to find all my contentment first and foremost in the Lord. I'm no-where near the end of this lesson, but I am a few steps closer than I was at the beginning of this semester.
Prayer requests: While I am trying to keep focused on the Lord and on my gal pals, it makes the smaller gestures that guys do seem that much bigger now. I'm struggling on not over-analyzing things, so if you think about it, pray that the Lord gives me the strength to tell myself the truth, and plainly, that I just don't try to look for the gestures--that I see things for what they really are. Thanks
So, now I should truly get back to homework. :)
Saturday, September 26, 2009
Walls
First off...Why doesn't anybody use this anymore?? Point a: there is no more BCF meetings from what I understand, so why aren't we using this to share those things with everyone still? Heb 10:25 "Let us not give up meeting together..." I understand that this isn't the best way of meeting together, but it is something. I would love to know what's going on in your life. Which brings me to Point b: I don't really see you all like I used to. I do still enjoy hearing about what the Lord is teaching you. Please tell me. :)
Secondly... I do not enjoy being busy! Having a schedule laid out before me is not really my thing. I like having the time to make spur of the moment decisions about living life, not merely how to get through it.
Thirdly...I thought I would share something that is happening in my life this week. We were told to write things down about the various stages of life based on Erickson's stages in Psych of Counseling. Here's what I ended up writing about early adulthood:
"I feel like everyone is trying to dig at my core. And its good. But with it, I need to have a good cry-- yet my schedule doesn't allow for it-- or when it does, I've had to keep myself so composed for so long that I can't. And then when my walls are down, it in the middle of a class that I don't want to cry in. I want to get at the bottom of this, but I want to be able to deal effectively with it."
We all build up walls in our lives to protect ourselves at points. Mine are up at all the wrong times lately.
Secondly... I do not enjoy being busy! Having a schedule laid out before me is not really my thing. I like having the time to make spur of the moment decisions about living life, not merely how to get through it.
Thirdly...I thought I would share something that is happening in my life this week. We were told to write things down about the various stages of life based on Erickson's stages in Psych of Counseling. Here's what I ended up writing about early adulthood:
"I feel like everyone is trying to dig at my core. And its good. But with it, I need to have a good cry-- yet my schedule doesn't allow for it-- or when it does, I've had to keep myself so composed for so long that I can't. And then when my walls are down, it in the middle of a class that I don't want to cry in. I want to get at the bottom of this, but I want to be able to deal effectively with it."
We all build up walls in our lives to protect ourselves at points. Mine are up at all the wrong times lately.
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