Isaiah 55:8-9
"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the Lord. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts."
I got a bit of closure last night about what's going on in my life. And the reassuring thing, is that just before it all happened, I read the above verse. I'm not getting the answer I wanted, but I definitely got the Lord's reassurance. Which feels...well, reassuring. I will still cry, but I do not feel like sobbing anymore. Because I know that this is what's right.
At the same time, I would like to ask for more prayer. Because that's the only thing I can think of to do and it's the only way you can really help me through this. Anywho, I would like to ask for prayer for my eating and sleeping habits right now. With all this going on, I don't really feel hungry anymore...rather, sometimes thinking about food makes me feel ill. I still eat because I know I should, but when I do, I have a hard time gauging when I'm full or not because I'm basically only putting food into my body because I know I should. Or I don't feel my hunger at all, so I forget to eat (I didn't eat lunch or dinner yesterday because I just didn't think about it). I want to honor the Lord with my body, so it makes me concerned that I'm not feeding myself very well right now.
As for sleep, I'm having a hard time sleeping well right now too. That, or all I want to do is sleep. Neither is a healthy option. So please pray. Cause it's hard to feel sad, ill, and tired all the time.
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Sorting My Thoughts
(Sorry that this is 2 posts in one day, but part of me just needs to get it out of me, to vent, to organize my thoughts...something. I'm sorry that I don't want to tell you what is going on, but I'm pretty sure that knowing who you are, you will all forgive me on this point.)
I don't know if you've noticed or not, but what's going on in my life has consumed my thoughts. It makes it tough or it makes me disconnect. Somedays I feel as though there is a giant gaping hole in my life and sometimes it feels like it never happened. I can look out a window and only see the world through a pool of tears, but there are other times I look out the same window and wonder if I dreamed it all. But even that hurts. To think of my life without it happening would not be right. But it definitely still doesn't feel right. It feels off, incomplete, wrong.
That's why I need the prayer. Whether specifically for patience or just in general. I know God is in control and I know that this all happening for a reason. But I want it to change.
I don't know if you've noticed or not, but what's going on in my life has consumed my thoughts. It makes it tough or it makes me disconnect. Somedays I feel as though there is a giant gaping hole in my life and sometimes it feels like it never happened. I can look out a window and only see the world through a pool of tears, but there are other times I look out the same window and wonder if I dreamed it all. But even that hurts. To think of my life without it happening would not be right. But it definitely still doesn't feel right. It feels off, incomplete, wrong.
That's why I need the prayer. Whether specifically for patience or just in general. I know God is in control and I know that this all happening for a reason. But I want it to change.
What Do I Really Need?
It's a bit crazy that I was thinking about sharing this story with you and then the speaker today in chapel also went over the same passage that I was thinking about.
Matthew 9:2-7 Some men brought to him a paralytic, lying on a mat. When Jesus saw their faith, he said to the paralytic, "Take heart, son; your sins are forgiven."
At this, some of the teachers of the law said to themselves, "This fellow is blaspheming!"
Knowing their thoughts, Jesus said, "Why do you entertain evil thoughts in your hearts? Which is easier: to say, 'Your sins are forgiven,' or to say, 'Get up and walk'? But so that you may know that the Son of Man has authority on earth to forgive sins..." Then he said to the paralytic, "Get up, take your mat and go home." And the man got up and went home.
I have joined a small group at church and we have been going over Matthew. This passage came up a few weeks ago and when we were discussing it, a really good point was brought up. The paralytic's biggest concern was probably the fact that he couldn't walk and he heard that there was this man Jesus who heals people. So, he found a way to be brought to Jesus, hoping to walk. So, when the first thing Jesus tells him is that his sins are forgiven, I wonder if he was bummed at all? In small group, someone said something really great: Jesus was concerned about the paralytic's biggest need, which was a spiritual need of forgiveness. Then he takes care of the man's physical needs. This also gave Jesus an opportunity to show the validity of His statements...He does have the power to forgive, He is the Son of God.
After this point was brought up, the application point was brought forward: What is my biggest need right now? What sin do I need to be rid of? What grace do I need to recognize?
The reason I was thinking about this point this morning is in regard to my hard week(s). I want so desperately for things to be different right now. But then, God is still God, He still has the power...So what need or sin is there that I'm not fully aware of? Right now, I'm a bit like how I imagine the paralytic initially was. I'm bummed that I'm not seeing the results I thought I initially would, that I still can't walk. But I recognize that God is dealing with a bigger need/sin right now. It's just hard to wait for it all.
Which brings me to another point. In our hall Bible study, we are reading this fictional story about how the life of Mary, the mother of Jesus, might have been. Right now in the story, Jesus is at the age of 15 and Mary is eager and antsy to see Jesus be the ruler of the Jewish people...to set them free. Little does she know, she will have to wait another 18 YEARS! to see the work of her son. And then it doesn't even end with him on a throne, but a cross.
Like I said earlier, I want so desperately for things to be different. But I need to wait. I don't know for how long, but it might be long. But I'm antsy now and it's only been a week and a half. Like I mentioned in the last post, I would really appreciate prayer. A more specific request would be that I be patient to wait for the Lord's timing and that I'm obedient to His will. Like Mary, I'm hoping for good things and I don't know what the future holds. But there is the chance that I will have to wait for a long time to see something much harder than what I've been hoping for. And this sucks now, so I would need SO MUCH OF HIS STRENGTH if it should get harder.
Basically: What is it that I really need? I need Jesus and His grace.
Matthew 9:2-7 Some men brought to him a paralytic, lying on a mat. When Jesus saw their faith, he said to the paralytic, "Take heart, son; your sins are forgiven."
At this, some of the teachers of the law said to themselves, "This fellow is blaspheming!"
Knowing their thoughts, Jesus said, "Why do you entertain evil thoughts in your hearts? Which is easier: to say, 'Your sins are forgiven,' or to say, 'Get up and walk'? But so that you may know that the Son of Man has authority on earth to forgive sins..." Then he said to the paralytic, "Get up, take your mat and go home." And the man got up and went home.
I have joined a small group at church and we have been going over Matthew. This passage came up a few weeks ago and when we were discussing it, a really good point was brought up. The paralytic's biggest concern was probably the fact that he couldn't walk and he heard that there was this man Jesus who heals people. So, he found a way to be brought to Jesus, hoping to walk. So, when the first thing Jesus tells him is that his sins are forgiven, I wonder if he was bummed at all? In small group, someone said something really great: Jesus was concerned about the paralytic's biggest need, which was a spiritual need of forgiveness. Then he takes care of the man's physical needs. This also gave Jesus an opportunity to show the validity of His statements...He does have the power to forgive, He is the Son of God.
After this point was brought up, the application point was brought forward: What is my biggest need right now? What sin do I need to be rid of? What grace do I need to recognize?
The reason I was thinking about this point this morning is in regard to my hard week(s). I want so desperately for things to be different right now. But then, God is still God, He still has the power...So what need or sin is there that I'm not fully aware of? Right now, I'm a bit like how I imagine the paralytic initially was. I'm bummed that I'm not seeing the results I thought I initially would, that I still can't walk. But I recognize that God is dealing with a bigger need/sin right now. It's just hard to wait for it all.
Which brings me to another point. In our hall Bible study, we are reading this fictional story about how the life of Mary, the mother of Jesus, might have been. Right now in the story, Jesus is at the age of 15 and Mary is eager and antsy to see Jesus be the ruler of the Jewish people...to set them free. Little does she know, she will have to wait another 18 YEARS! to see the work of her son. And then it doesn't even end with him on a throne, but a cross.
Like I said earlier, I want so desperately for things to be different. But I need to wait. I don't know for how long, but it might be long. But I'm antsy now and it's only been a week and a half. Like I mentioned in the last post, I would really appreciate prayer. A more specific request would be that I be patient to wait for the Lord's timing and that I'm obedient to His will. Like Mary, I'm hoping for good things and I don't know what the future holds. But there is the chance that I will have to wait for a long time to see something much harder than what I've been hoping for. And this sucks now, so I would need SO MUCH OF HIS STRENGTH if it should get harder.
Basically: What is it that I really need? I need Jesus and His grace.
Monday, April 26, 2010
Undeserving
I have had a rough week, and I'm sure that the next couple of weeks are going to be a struggle too. That's all I really want to devolve about the subject, but I would love prayer. I know that because of what's going on, I'm learning big lessons about the Lord and putting Him first. One night was really bad, and the Lord brought to my attention Isaiah 48:11:
~ For my own sake, for my own sake, I do this. How can I let myself be defamed? I will not yield my glory to another.~
So, this hard time is not without reason. But that doesn't make it any less hard. That's why I ask for your prayer. Plus, I've come to realize more and more about the importance of prayer and diving into the Word (two posts earlier talks a bit about this same topic), and so it just seems like the best option. To ask for it, that is.
Another thing that I've thought about today...First, the Word. :)
Isaiah 43:1-5a:
But now, this is what the Lord says--he who created you, O Jacob, he who formed you, O Israel: "Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the LORD, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior; I give Egypt for your ransom, Cush and Seba in your stead. Since you are precious and honored in my sight and because I love you, I will give men in exchange for you, and people in exchange for your life. Do not be afraid, for I am with you..."
Reference to another earlier post, but I am still learning what love really is. What I know is that I do not always love the Lord to the extent that He deserves to be. But, as shown through the passage above, the Lord loves me (and every one of you) so much more than I ever deserve to be. I am undeserving, yet He is so loving. Loving enough to bring me through hard times so that I may grow closer to Him.
Isaiah 44:8b "No, there is no other Rock; I know not one."
~ For my own sake, for my own sake, I do this. How can I let myself be defamed? I will not yield my glory to another.~
So, this hard time is not without reason. But that doesn't make it any less hard. That's why I ask for your prayer. Plus, I've come to realize more and more about the importance of prayer and diving into the Word (two posts earlier talks a bit about this same topic), and so it just seems like the best option. To ask for it, that is.
Another thing that I've thought about today...First, the Word. :)
Isaiah 43:1-5a:
But now, this is what the Lord says--he who created you, O Jacob, he who formed you, O Israel: "Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the LORD, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior; I give Egypt for your ransom, Cush and Seba in your stead. Since you are precious and honored in my sight and because I love you, I will give men in exchange for you, and people in exchange for your life. Do not be afraid, for I am with you..."
Reference to another earlier post, but I am still learning what love really is. What I know is that I do not always love the Lord to the extent that He deserves to be. But, as shown through the passage above, the Lord loves me (and every one of you) so much more than I ever deserve to be. I am undeserving, yet He is so loving. Loving enough to bring me through hard times so that I may grow closer to Him.
Isaiah 44:8b "No, there is no other Rock; I know not one."
Sunday, April 11, 2010
I Am Woman, Hear Me Roar
I am a woman created by God.
I am strong,
But I am also dominating, insecure, possessive.
I am caring,
But I am also needy, passive, emotional.
I am nurturing,
But I am also smothering, manipulative.
I have a lot of good characteristics that God has placed within me, by His grace and power. But I also have tendencies towards many bad characteristics that have lingered since The Fall. There are some days when I have no clue of my sin, but there are days like today when I feel them oh so strongly. But I have hope, for I have a Savior that wishes to refine me. Refinement hurts, but I know that it brings about better more beautiful things.
I am strong,
But I am also dominating, insecure, possessive.
I am caring,
But I am also needy, passive, emotional.
I am nurturing,
But I am also smothering, manipulative.
I have a lot of good characteristics that God has placed within me, by His grace and power. But I also have tendencies towards many bad characteristics that have lingered since The Fall. There are some days when I have no clue of my sin, but there are days like today when I feel them oh so strongly. But I have hope, for I have a Savior that wishes to refine me. Refinement hurts, but I know that it brings about better more beautiful things.
Friday, April 9, 2010
Good Words
Something I've already known, but has been reiterated in my life recently...it is so good to spend quality time in God's word. I've been reading in Deuteronomy lately, and this morning 32:47 stuck out: "They are not just idle words for you--they are your life." This comes after a warning to the Israelites of how easy it will be for them to follow idols, but I think that it's a statement that could be applied to all of Scripture. The Bible is not merely a book filled with text that is meaningless,idle words, but rather it is a book filled with words that draw us closer to our Maker.
Also, when I spend quality time in the Word, my prayer life is much more fruitful. My desire to speak with the Lord is often correlated to how much time I spend listening to what He has to say in His Word. And it feels so good to be closer to Him.
Also, when I spend quality time in the Word, my prayer life is much more fruitful. My desire to speak with the Lord is often correlated to how much time I spend listening to what He has to say in His Word. And it feels so good to be closer to Him.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Thankful Worship
Thank you Lord for the things you have granted and given me!
Thank you for making me a woman! Thank you that I get to wear skirts and get to cry shamelessly.
Thank you for giving me long hair. I love the way it makes me feel more feminine and wild.
Thank you for homework and the things that I learn from it. Thank you for giving it to me if only to let me know the satisfaction of knowing hard work and accomplishment.
Thank you for friends. You have blessed me with so many people who are willing to help me, to be helped by me, to listen, to sit with, to cry in front of, to warm my feet, to care. It's almost too much. Thank you for showing yourself through them.
Lord, thank you for the sunshine and the warmth. But also thank you for the magic of winter! Thank you for placing me in a climate that experiences both.
Thank you for days to feel pretty. But also thank you for giving me the humbling days when I don't.
Thank you for reminding me of Yourself through all these things. Lord, there is so much I could thank you for! For you are unchanging. Faithful. True.
Thank you for making me a woman! Thank you that I get to wear skirts and get to cry shamelessly.
Thank you for giving me long hair. I love the way it makes me feel more feminine and wild.
Thank you for homework and the things that I learn from it. Thank you for giving it to me if only to let me know the satisfaction of knowing hard work and accomplishment.
Thank you for friends. You have blessed me with so many people who are willing to help me, to be helped by me, to listen, to sit with, to cry in front of, to warm my feet, to care. It's almost too much. Thank you for showing yourself through them.
Lord, thank you for the sunshine and the warmth. But also thank you for the magic of winter! Thank you for placing me in a climate that experiences both.
Thank you for days to feel pretty. But also thank you for giving me the humbling days when I don't.
Thank you for reminding me of Yourself through all these things. Lord, there is so much I could thank you for! For you are unchanging. Faithful. True.
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