I keep thinking that I'm the one being hurt or given the short end of the stick...but the fact is that every time I choose to do things my way, it's the other way around. I hurt others, I hurt God. Even during those times when I don't "mean" to be hurtful, if all I'm thinking about is me...well, there's a good chance that my decisions will affect someone somehow.
I keep wanting to heal myself by placing other things in my life. It's hard to sit patiently for the Lord, to wait for His peace. But it sure is easy to fill my life with idols of things that satisfy quickly. But they do not last, and because I put them in my life selfishly, my choice to put them in my life has the chance to affect others negatively. It's not only my problem, but I need to consider my brothers and sisters in Christ too.
Philippians 2:3-4: Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.
I want to be able to love and obey like Christ...in all faithfulness.
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Friday, May 14, 2010
This Is My Refuge
"It's been a hard month and a week here we go again.
It's breaking my heart looking for peace,looking for anything.
But I will rely, I will repeat, trusting my everything in you that's in me."
The Rocket Summer, "This is a Refuge"
I've had a good past 2 weeks with all that's been going on. Having my roommate scold me and having some direction with swing dancing has helped. But that doesn't mean that I don't still have my moments. This morning I woke up to dreams of what's been happening, and that made it harder to push past today. Needless to say, the end of my day was a bit tough.
I think it's easier to stay away from feeling sad if I can stay busy. With the summer beginning brings freedom, but it also brings about the fact that a lot of my friends are gone. Which scares me. It scares me that the people I have chosen to let in about what's going on aren't around to help me, and it scares me because it seems like I won't be as busy. But I can't stay busy forever, and dealing with the emotions is healthy too.
I was speaking with a friend about a situation that is similar to mine. We talked about healing and getting to the point of not being sad, but we also talked about being scared about not feeling that sadness anymore. The sadness and the tears makes it, in a sense, more real. And to make it through that sadness, to let it go...well, that is a scary thing.
Later, I was reading Jeremiah 17 and praying to the Lord as I read and struggling with this whole concept. I was asking Him for healing from the hurt and sadness, but then I had to stop myself and confess to Him that I would be lying if I said that to Him. Part of me doesn't want to be healed. As I was struggling to want to let the Lord heal me of the hurt, I read verse 14: "Heal me, O Lord, and I will be healed; save me and I will be saved, for you are the one I praise."
Thank you Lord for letting me hear what I need to hear.
It's breaking my heart looking for peace,looking for anything.
But I will rely, I will repeat, trusting my everything in you that's in me."
The Rocket Summer, "This is a Refuge"
I've had a good past 2 weeks with all that's been going on. Having my roommate scold me and having some direction with swing dancing has helped. But that doesn't mean that I don't still have my moments. This morning I woke up to dreams of what's been happening, and that made it harder to push past today. Needless to say, the end of my day was a bit tough.
I think it's easier to stay away from feeling sad if I can stay busy. With the summer beginning brings freedom, but it also brings about the fact that a lot of my friends are gone. Which scares me. It scares me that the people I have chosen to let in about what's going on aren't around to help me, and it scares me because it seems like I won't be as busy. But I can't stay busy forever, and dealing with the emotions is healthy too.
I was speaking with a friend about a situation that is similar to mine. We talked about healing and getting to the point of not being sad, but we also talked about being scared about not feeling that sadness anymore. The sadness and the tears makes it, in a sense, more real. And to make it through that sadness, to let it go...well, that is a scary thing.
Later, I was reading Jeremiah 17 and praying to the Lord as I read and struggling with this whole concept. I was asking Him for healing from the hurt and sadness, but then I had to stop myself and confess to Him that I would be lying if I said that to Him. Part of me doesn't want to be healed. As I was struggling to want to let the Lord heal me of the hurt, I read verse 14: "Heal me, O Lord, and I will be healed; save me and I will be saved, for you are the one I praise."
Thank you Lord for letting me hear what I need to hear.
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Life Happenings...
Dear Friends, I have some updates about life.
1) London is probably not happening now due to finances. I'm okay with this. Going would have been a great opportunity, but staying here feels like a great opportunity too. For one, I can save a little bit of money on school (my spring semester only has to be a part-time semester if I stay). For two, I have more of an opportunity to get ahead with internships and applying for grad schools.
2) I LOVE swing dancing. In fact, I think that it's the first hobby I've loved as much as I do. I'm not giving it up. When thinking about how much I love it, I have decided that I would like to take it to the next level...I want to start competing. Don't put money on that statement, but I do feel strongly about this. My first order of business is taking more lessons, if possible, during the summer. Then there is an event in August in Denver that I am planning on going to with my dance friend Sophie. I have already registered for the weekend and for the Jack and Jill contest (my first order of competing). I still need to pay for it.
*This event is called Lindy on the Rocks. For the weekend, it will cost $149 (this is a great deal!) if I can pay for it before May 31st. ~If you would like any chore done for you, meal made, dance lesson given, or any service whatsoever that I can do for you for a donation...PLEASE LET ME!~
I told you about London first because it means that I now have the opportunity to keep pursuing dancing. I'm really excited about this fact. And if it's in the Lord's will, it will happen. If not, well...I'll be bummed. But I will be okay. But I sure do hope it happens.
1) London is probably not happening now due to finances. I'm okay with this. Going would have been a great opportunity, but staying here feels like a great opportunity too. For one, I can save a little bit of money on school (my spring semester only has to be a part-time semester if I stay). For two, I have more of an opportunity to get ahead with internships and applying for grad schools.
2) I LOVE swing dancing. In fact, I think that it's the first hobby I've loved as much as I do. I'm not giving it up. When thinking about how much I love it, I have decided that I would like to take it to the next level...I want to start competing. Don't put money on that statement, but I do feel strongly about this. My first order of business is taking more lessons, if possible, during the summer. Then there is an event in August in Denver that I am planning on going to with my dance friend Sophie. I have already registered for the weekend and for the Jack and Jill contest (my first order of competing). I still need to pay for it.
*This event is called Lindy on the Rocks. For the weekend, it will cost $149 (this is a great deal!) if I can pay for it before May 31st. ~If you would like any chore done for you, meal made, dance lesson given, or any service whatsoever that I can do for you for a donation...PLEASE LET ME!~
I told you about London first because it means that I now have the opportunity to keep pursuing dancing. I'm really excited about this fact. And if it's in the Lord's will, it will happen. If not, well...I'll be bummed. But I will be okay. But I sure do hope it happens.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
I Have a Choice
Bad weeks...they happen.
But so do good ones.
I came back to my room last Friday and my roommate asked me how my day was. Being me, I just told her the straight up truth. I told her that I had another bad day. That the day started off good, and I thought that I might have a good day, but then I didn't. I just keep having bad days.
But she followed up with some very wise words: "Cassie, as hard as it is, you DO have a choice."
So, I made a choice and went to the Stacheworth BBQ. I was still sad, but I made a choice to make the most of my night. And I ended up having fun. Maybe not the best night I've ever experienced, but it was still a good night.
The next night, I made a point to get out of my room and try to make the most of my Saturday night. Because of that, my friend Bethany and I stumbled across a bike rave (the bicycling community got a parade permit, rode their bikes around to various spots in Minneapolis with a DJ both and raved)! A BIKE RAVE!! We made some new friends, got offered alcohol (we of course declined), and got asked about Northwestern (a sweet way to nonchalantly share our faith/testimony!).
Sunday and Monday were good fellowship days. I love my church so much. I feel so blessed to have found Hope. Then on Monday nights, I have church small group, which I have also come to love. In this group I have found a mentor who has graciously lent me her ear. These two days of fellowship refreshed me.
As for this school week, it's just been one of those weeks where I feel like strutting around campus confidently with a smile radiating from my face. For no real reason. And I worked on my Daniel paper in the library (where I spent some time with Christine making faces and imaging what it must be like to be one of the construction workers) and finished it. It's been a good week.
Might I just add, that sometimes a dress or some cowboy boots can make a world of difference in how I face the day. Silly but true.
One good week doesn't mean I won't still have my moments or bad days. I know that. But I also know that God has blessed me and has answered some prayers about understanding. I'm still waiting and hoping for Him to tell me some more things, and I'm trying to be patient.
As for some of the prayer I asked for last week regarding eating and sleeping... With my (so far) good week, my appetite has returned. As for sleeping, I'm still not getting lots of sleep, but its better quality sleep. The Lord is good in providing a busy week where I am sleep deprived so that when I climb into bed, I can just hit the hay. Last week, I was so tired, but when I would try to sleep I couldn't, and when I did, I would wake up multiple times and have trouble falling back to sleep. Needless to say, even though I'm not getting lots of sleep now, it's still answered prayer that I'm sleeping well when I do. Sorry for the ramblings about this, but it's good to share how faithful the Lord is.
But so do good ones.
I came back to my room last Friday and my roommate asked me how my day was. Being me, I just told her the straight up truth. I told her that I had another bad day. That the day started off good, and I thought that I might have a good day, but then I didn't. I just keep having bad days.
But she followed up with some very wise words: "Cassie, as hard as it is, you DO have a choice."
So, I made a choice and went to the Stacheworth BBQ. I was still sad, but I made a choice to make the most of my night. And I ended up having fun. Maybe not the best night I've ever experienced, but it was still a good night.
The next night, I made a point to get out of my room and try to make the most of my Saturday night. Because of that, my friend Bethany and I stumbled across a bike rave (the bicycling community got a parade permit, rode their bikes around to various spots in Minneapolis with a DJ both and raved)! A BIKE RAVE!! We made some new friends, got offered alcohol (we of course declined), and got asked about Northwestern (a sweet way to nonchalantly share our faith/testimony!).
Sunday and Monday were good fellowship days. I love my church so much. I feel so blessed to have found Hope. Then on Monday nights, I have church small group, which I have also come to love. In this group I have found a mentor who has graciously lent me her ear. These two days of fellowship refreshed me.
As for this school week, it's just been one of those weeks where I feel like strutting around campus confidently with a smile radiating from my face. For no real reason. And I worked on my Daniel paper in the library (where I spent some time with Christine making faces and imaging what it must be like to be one of the construction workers) and finished it. It's been a good week.
Might I just add, that sometimes a dress or some cowboy boots can make a world of difference in how I face the day. Silly but true.
One good week doesn't mean I won't still have my moments or bad days. I know that. But I also know that God has blessed me and has answered some prayers about understanding. I'm still waiting and hoping for Him to tell me some more things, and I'm trying to be patient.
As for some of the prayer I asked for last week regarding eating and sleeping... With my (so far) good week, my appetite has returned. As for sleeping, I'm still not getting lots of sleep, but its better quality sleep. The Lord is good in providing a busy week where I am sleep deprived so that when I climb into bed, I can just hit the hay. Last week, I was so tired, but when I would try to sleep I couldn't, and when I did, I would wake up multiple times and have trouble falling back to sleep. Needless to say, even though I'm not getting lots of sleep now, it's still answered prayer that I'm sleeping well when I do. Sorry for the ramblings about this, but it's good to share how faithful the Lord is.
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Reassurance
Isaiah 55:8-9
"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the Lord. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts."
I got a bit of closure last night about what's going on in my life. And the reassuring thing, is that just before it all happened, I read the above verse. I'm not getting the answer I wanted, but I definitely got the Lord's reassurance. Which feels...well, reassuring. I will still cry, but I do not feel like sobbing anymore. Because I know that this is what's right.
At the same time, I would like to ask for more prayer. Because that's the only thing I can think of to do and it's the only way you can really help me through this. Anywho, I would like to ask for prayer for my eating and sleeping habits right now. With all this going on, I don't really feel hungry anymore...rather, sometimes thinking about food makes me feel ill. I still eat because I know I should, but when I do, I have a hard time gauging when I'm full or not because I'm basically only putting food into my body because I know I should. Or I don't feel my hunger at all, so I forget to eat (I didn't eat lunch or dinner yesterday because I just didn't think about it). I want to honor the Lord with my body, so it makes me concerned that I'm not feeding myself very well right now.
As for sleep, I'm having a hard time sleeping well right now too. That, or all I want to do is sleep. Neither is a healthy option. So please pray. Cause it's hard to feel sad, ill, and tired all the time.
"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the Lord. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts."
I got a bit of closure last night about what's going on in my life. And the reassuring thing, is that just before it all happened, I read the above verse. I'm not getting the answer I wanted, but I definitely got the Lord's reassurance. Which feels...well, reassuring. I will still cry, but I do not feel like sobbing anymore. Because I know that this is what's right.
At the same time, I would like to ask for more prayer. Because that's the only thing I can think of to do and it's the only way you can really help me through this. Anywho, I would like to ask for prayer for my eating and sleeping habits right now. With all this going on, I don't really feel hungry anymore...rather, sometimes thinking about food makes me feel ill. I still eat because I know I should, but when I do, I have a hard time gauging when I'm full or not because I'm basically only putting food into my body because I know I should. Or I don't feel my hunger at all, so I forget to eat (I didn't eat lunch or dinner yesterday because I just didn't think about it). I want to honor the Lord with my body, so it makes me concerned that I'm not feeding myself very well right now.
As for sleep, I'm having a hard time sleeping well right now too. That, or all I want to do is sleep. Neither is a healthy option. So please pray. Cause it's hard to feel sad, ill, and tired all the time.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Sorting My Thoughts
(Sorry that this is 2 posts in one day, but part of me just needs to get it out of me, to vent, to organize my thoughts...something. I'm sorry that I don't want to tell you what is going on, but I'm pretty sure that knowing who you are, you will all forgive me on this point.)
I don't know if you've noticed or not, but what's going on in my life has consumed my thoughts. It makes it tough or it makes me disconnect. Somedays I feel as though there is a giant gaping hole in my life and sometimes it feels like it never happened. I can look out a window and only see the world through a pool of tears, but there are other times I look out the same window and wonder if I dreamed it all. But even that hurts. To think of my life without it happening would not be right. But it definitely still doesn't feel right. It feels off, incomplete, wrong.
That's why I need the prayer. Whether specifically for patience or just in general. I know God is in control and I know that this all happening for a reason. But I want it to change.
I don't know if you've noticed or not, but what's going on in my life has consumed my thoughts. It makes it tough or it makes me disconnect. Somedays I feel as though there is a giant gaping hole in my life and sometimes it feels like it never happened. I can look out a window and only see the world through a pool of tears, but there are other times I look out the same window and wonder if I dreamed it all. But even that hurts. To think of my life without it happening would not be right. But it definitely still doesn't feel right. It feels off, incomplete, wrong.
That's why I need the prayer. Whether specifically for patience or just in general. I know God is in control and I know that this all happening for a reason. But I want it to change.
What Do I Really Need?
It's a bit crazy that I was thinking about sharing this story with you and then the speaker today in chapel also went over the same passage that I was thinking about.
Matthew 9:2-7 Some men brought to him a paralytic, lying on a mat. When Jesus saw their faith, he said to the paralytic, "Take heart, son; your sins are forgiven."
At this, some of the teachers of the law said to themselves, "This fellow is blaspheming!"
Knowing their thoughts, Jesus said, "Why do you entertain evil thoughts in your hearts? Which is easier: to say, 'Your sins are forgiven,' or to say, 'Get up and walk'? But so that you may know that the Son of Man has authority on earth to forgive sins..." Then he said to the paralytic, "Get up, take your mat and go home." And the man got up and went home.
I have joined a small group at church and we have been going over Matthew. This passage came up a few weeks ago and when we were discussing it, a really good point was brought up. The paralytic's biggest concern was probably the fact that he couldn't walk and he heard that there was this man Jesus who heals people. So, he found a way to be brought to Jesus, hoping to walk. So, when the first thing Jesus tells him is that his sins are forgiven, I wonder if he was bummed at all? In small group, someone said something really great: Jesus was concerned about the paralytic's biggest need, which was a spiritual need of forgiveness. Then he takes care of the man's physical needs. This also gave Jesus an opportunity to show the validity of His statements...He does have the power to forgive, He is the Son of God.
After this point was brought up, the application point was brought forward: What is my biggest need right now? What sin do I need to be rid of? What grace do I need to recognize?
The reason I was thinking about this point this morning is in regard to my hard week(s). I want so desperately for things to be different right now. But then, God is still God, He still has the power...So what need or sin is there that I'm not fully aware of? Right now, I'm a bit like how I imagine the paralytic initially was. I'm bummed that I'm not seeing the results I thought I initially would, that I still can't walk. But I recognize that God is dealing with a bigger need/sin right now. It's just hard to wait for it all.
Which brings me to another point. In our hall Bible study, we are reading this fictional story about how the life of Mary, the mother of Jesus, might have been. Right now in the story, Jesus is at the age of 15 and Mary is eager and antsy to see Jesus be the ruler of the Jewish people...to set them free. Little does she know, she will have to wait another 18 YEARS! to see the work of her son. And then it doesn't even end with him on a throne, but a cross.
Like I said earlier, I want so desperately for things to be different. But I need to wait. I don't know for how long, but it might be long. But I'm antsy now and it's only been a week and a half. Like I mentioned in the last post, I would really appreciate prayer. A more specific request would be that I be patient to wait for the Lord's timing and that I'm obedient to His will. Like Mary, I'm hoping for good things and I don't know what the future holds. But there is the chance that I will have to wait for a long time to see something much harder than what I've been hoping for. And this sucks now, so I would need SO MUCH OF HIS STRENGTH if it should get harder.
Basically: What is it that I really need? I need Jesus and His grace.
Matthew 9:2-7 Some men brought to him a paralytic, lying on a mat. When Jesus saw their faith, he said to the paralytic, "Take heart, son; your sins are forgiven."
At this, some of the teachers of the law said to themselves, "This fellow is blaspheming!"
Knowing their thoughts, Jesus said, "Why do you entertain evil thoughts in your hearts? Which is easier: to say, 'Your sins are forgiven,' or to say, 'Get up and walk'? But so that you may know that the Son of Man has authority on earth to forgive sins..." Then he said to the paralytic, "Get up, take your mat and go home." And the man got up and went home.
I have joined a small group at church and we have been going over Matthew. This passage came up a few weeks ago and when we were discussing it, a really good point was brought up. The paralytic's biggest concern was probably the fact that he couldn't walk and he heard that there was this man Jesus who heals people. So, he found a way to be brought to Jesus, hoping to walk. So, when the first thing Jesus tells him is that his sins are forgiven, I wonder if he was bummed at all? In small group, someone said something really great: Jesus was concerned about the paralytic's biggest need, which was a spiritual need of forgiveness. Then he takes care of the man's physical needs. This also gave Jesus an opportunity to show the validity of His statements...He does have the power to forgive, He is the Son of God.
After this point was brought up, the application point was brought forward: What is my biggest need right now? What sin do I need to be rid of? What grace do I need to recognize?
The reason I was thinking about this point this morning is in regard to my hard week(s). I want so desperately for things to be different right now. But then, God is still God, He still has the power...So what need or sin is there that I'm not fully aware of? Right now, I'm a bit like how I imagine the paralytic initially was. I'm bummed that I'm not seeing the results I thought I initially would, that I still can't walk. But I recognize that God is dealing with a bigger need/sin right now. It's just hard to wait for it all.
Which brings me to another point. In our hall Bible study, we are reading this fictional story about how the life of Mary, the mother of Jesus, might have been. Right now in the story, Jesus is at the age of 15 and Mary is eager and antsy to see Jesus be the ruler of the Jewish people...to set them free. Little does she know, she will have to wait another 18 YEARS! to see the work of her son. And then it doesn't even end with him on a throne, but a cross.
Like I said earlier, I want so desperately for things to be different. But I need to wait. I don't know for how long, but it might be long. But I'm antsy now and it's only been a week and a half. Like I mentioned in the last post, I would really appreciate prayer. A more specific request would be that I be patient to wait for the Lord's timing and that I'm obedient to His will. Like Mary, I'm hoping for good things and I don't know what the future holds. But there is the chance that I will have to wait for a long time to see something much harder than what I've been hoping for. And this sucks now, so I would need SO MUCH OF HIS STRENGTH if it should get harder.
Basically: What is it that I really need? I need Jesus and His grace.
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