Who I was and who I trained myself to be the last 8 years of my life is so much different from what I've been becoming in the past year since graduation. I'm finding myself in a much more secular world than I thought I would be in. I found myself looking no different than the rest of the world...just blending in. Not being a light, nor really looking for it. Yet still seeing glimmers of the God that I know deep down is true and still there. And when I see those glimmers, I still catch myself praying to Him, "Lord, please don't ever let me go."
I disappeared from my network of Christian community and friends this summer when we all went our different ways and when I found myself working 70+ hours a week and not wanting to get up early on Sunday mornings for church. I felt hurt when nobody from my church realized I had been missing until months later. But I've always known that people will let me down. I've made that defense to others before, and now, I just need to remember it for myself.
For those of you who are still faithful: please continue my prayer unto the Lord for me, "Lord, please don't ever let her go." I'm far from who I was, but not so far that I can't turn around. I'm just far enough where I'm not quite ready yet.
I guess I just wanted to be honest with someone who I knew who would actually pray for me.
Thursday, March 15, 2012
Thursday, December 15, 2011
Post-College
Somebody posted the article The Muscular Empathy by Ta-Nehisi Coates on facebook. It's an interesting read about how the natural reaction of modern man is to misjudge why people did not act in the face of such things as slavery and racism.
Read the following paragraph:
"This basic extension of empathy is one of the great barriers in understanding race in this country. I do not mean a soft, flattering, hand-holding empathy. I mean a muscular empathy rooted in curiosity. If you really want to understand slaves, slave masters, poor black kids, poor white kids, rich people of colors, whoever, it is essential that you first come to grips with the disturbing facts of your own mediocrity. The first rule is this--You are not extraordinary. It's all fine and good to declare that you would have freed your slaves. But it's much more interesting to assume that you wouldn't and then ask 'Why?' "
After reading that paragraph, I instantly wished that I would have the opportunity to go to class tomorrow to hear the discussion that would come of that last question. Funny thing, huh? To have gladly graduated last May only to find myself wishing that I had reading homework and mandatory class obligations only 7 months later. That wish probably manifested much sooner, but that wish hadn't hit me as hard as it did after reading that paragraph.
Maybe it's time to looked a bit harder into graduate school. But then there's the whole new adult issue of wanting to pay off some of my student loans first before I take on more. Oh, life post-college.
Read the following paragraph:
"This basic extension of empathy is one of the great barriers in understanding race in this country. I do not mean a soft, flattering, hand-holding empathy. I mean a muscular empathy rooted in curiosity. If you really want to understand slaves, slave masters, poor black kids, poor white kids, rich people of colors, whoever, it is essential that you first come to grips with the disturbing facts of your own mediocrity. The first rule is this--You are not extraordinary. It's all fine and good to declare that you would have freed your slaves. But it's much more interesting to assume that you wouldn't and then ask 'Why?' "
After reading that paragraph, I instantly wished that I would have the opportunity to go to class tomorrow to hear the discussion that would come of that last question. Funny thing, huh? To have gladly graduated last May only to find myself wishing that I had reading homework and mandatory class obligations only 7 months later. That wish probably manifested much sooner, but that wish hadn't hit me as hard as it did after reading that paragraph.
Maybe it's time to looked a bit harder into graduate school. But then there's the whole new adult issue of wanting to pay off some of my student loans first before I take on more. Oh, life post-college.
Friday, August 26, 2011
Insecurities
We are insecure people. I am an insecure woman.
I am proud. Boastful. Vain. Conceited. Self-conscious. Catty. Competitive. Annoying.
All because I am insecure.
And you want to know why I am insecure? It is because I am trying to find my security in a million things that will not last instead of finding it in the Christ that has never let me down.
What a foolish girl I have been.
I am proud. Boastful. Vain. Conceited. Self-conscious. Catty. Competitive. Annoying.
All because I am insecure.
And you want to know why I am insecure? It is because I am trying to find my security in a million things that will not last instead of finding it in the Christ that has never let me down.
What a foolish girl I have been.
Friday, August 5, 2011
Lonely Summer
This summer has been a lonely one for me.
This is the summer that I simply just had to work, no complaints. I had just graduated, was jobless for a few weeks and was running out of money, then I landed two jobs (a 2 month temp job and a waitressing job) within a week of each other. I worked hard, sometimes putting in more than 70 hours a week. I had also made commitments to other things and have tried to make it to important family events. And in doing all these things, I found little time for church, the Word, friends, laundry, and even sleep. But I'm making it through. I'm approaching the light at the end of the tunnel.
Throughout this summer, I haven't seen many of my friends. One: because I didn't really ever have the time to give. But also two: because none of them ever really called. And honestly that hurts a little.
And while that hurts, it's also a reminder to me. How often to I make a point to connect with the people who are important to me? Do I always expect them to be there or do I call simply just to connect with them? Mostly, I think I'm just as selfish about my friendships as I want to accuse others of being with me.
The "Golden Rule" works its magic again.
This is the summer that I simply just had to work, no complaints. I had just graduated, was jobless for a few weeks and was running out of money, then I landed two jobs (a 2 month temp job and a waitressing job) within a week of each other. I worked hard, sometimes putting in more than 70 hours a week. I had also made commitments to other things and have tried to make it to important family events. And in doing all these things, I found little time for church, the Word, friends, laundry, and even sleep. But I'm making it through. I'm approaching the light at the end of the tunnel.
Throughout this summer, I haven't seen many of my friends. One: because I didn't really ever have the time to give. But also two: because none of them ever really called. And honestly that hurts a little.
And while that hurts, it's also a reminder to me. How often to I make a point to connect with the people who are important to me? Do I always expect them to be there or do I call simply just to connect with them? Mostly, I think I'm just as selfish about my friendships as I want to accuse others of being with me.
The "Golden Rule" works its magic again.
Monday, June 13, 2011
Healthy Fear Against Shallowness
I was spending time with a friend today and something dawned on me: I haven't had one really insightful or deep or really meaningful thing to share. I felt shallow. Not as in "platinum blond can't stop thinking about myself and shopping" shallow, but without any real substance or even emotion shallow. The state I am in only goes down about an inch deep right now.
When did this start or what am I doing wrong? What other thing should I be doing?
And this got me thinking about the things that I used to do when I felt like I actually had something really intelligent, insightful, or deep to share.
I feel like I haven't read enough, spent enough time at church, spent enough time reading or understanding the word, spent enough quality time with friends, spent enough time being spontaneous and adventurous me, worked enough, etc. etc. I don't even feel like I've been dancing enough.
I feel like I haven't done enough of a lot of things, but I feel like I'm always busy or tired. Then what is it that I'm doing that is taking away from all the time that I want/should be doing other things? I don't honestly know.
Well, is this one of Satan's great lies: that I'm not enough? I don't think so. I think that this realization is something more along the lines of a "healthy fear." Just as we are to "fear the Lord," part of me thinks that its good that I fear being too shallow. Its forcing me to evaluate where my time goes. Now, hopefully apathy won't get in the way.
My friend actually shared with me a song lyric from Mumford and Sons that makes a lot of sense:
"If only I had an enemy bigger than my apathy I could have won."
When did this start or what am I doing wrong? What other thing should I be doing?
And this got me thinking about the things that I used to do when I felt like I actually had something really intelligent, insightful, or deep to share.
I feel like I haven't read enough, spent enough time at church, spent enough time reading or understanding the word, spent enough quality time with friends, spent enough time being spontaneous and adventurous me, worked enough, etc. etc. I don't even feel like I've been dancing enough.
I feel like I haven't done enough of a lot of things, but I feel like I'm always busy or tired. Then what is it that I'm doing that is taking away from all the time that I want/should be doing other things? I don't honestly know.
Well, is this one of Satan's great lies: that I'm not enough? I don't think so. I think that this realization is something more along the lines of a "healthy fear." Just as we are to "fear the Lord," part of me thinks that its good that I fear being too shallow. Its forcing me to evaluate where my time goes. Now, hopefully apathy won't get in the way.
My friend actually shared with me a song lyric from Mumford and Sons that makes a lot of sense:
"If only I had an enemy bigger than my apathy I could have won."
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Forgiveness
Tonight at church, Pastor Steve Treichler talked about conflict resolution. And I was convicted.
You see, my heart has been broken and hurt by somebody, and in attempting to heal myself, I have made my heart hardened and bitter towards that person. This person was somebody that has proclaimed to be a Christian but I have seen very little evidence of this in their life in the past year. I have been made angry and bitter by the mistakes and "wrongs" that I thought that this person has done. All things have been "their fault" in my mind and I have been so sinful in attempting to persuade many others around this person to feel the same as I do about them. That in and of itself is a sin that they Lord is convicting me of.
But tonight, Steve made a statement about as Christians and forgiveness. He stated that Christians do not have the choice in forgiving someone, as we are to always forgive. I have not been forgiving this person of anything. I've been clinging to the wrongs and the hurts that I have felt and have been holding it against them. I have been angry and have wanted some sort of revenge.
Further more, the hurt I have felt has been purely selfish. It's been all about my hurt and the wrongs done against me. It didn't really dawn on me until today that it should hurt more that this person has been walking away from the Lord. In my bitterness and anger, I have not once prayed for them. I can only imagine that my feelings and actions towards this person was more of a hindrance in their walk with the Lord than anything else. I'm ashamed to say that I haven't cared about this fact until tonight.
So tonight I am starting to ask the Lord, first, to forgive me of my sins, and then secondly, to help me to forgive others myself.
You see, my heart has been broken and hurt by somebody, and in attempting to heal myself, I have made my heart hardened and bitter towards that person. This person was somebody that has proclaimed to be a Christian but I have seen very little evidence of this in their life in the past year. I have been made angry and bitter by the mistakes and "wrongs" that I thought that this person has done. All things have been "their fault" in my mind and I have been so sinful in attempting to persuade many others around this person to feel the same as I do about them. That in and of itself is a sin that they Lord is convicting me of.
But tonight, Steve made a statement about as Christians and forgiveness. He stated that Christians do not have the choice in forgiving someone, as we are to always forgive. I have not been forgiving this person of anything. I've been clinging to the wrongs and the hurts that I have felt and have been holding it against them. I have been angry and have wanted some sort of revenge.
Further more, the hurt I have felt has been purely selfish. It's been all about my hurt and the wrongs done against me. It didn't really dawn on me until today that it should hurt more that this person has been walking away from the Lord. In my bitterness and anger, I have not once prayed for them. I can only imagine that my feelings and actions towards this person was more of a hindrance in their walk with the Lord than anything else. I'm ashamed to say that I haven't cared about this fact until tonight.
So tonight I am starting to ask the Lord, first, to forgive me of my sins, and then secondly, to help me to forgive others myself.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Oh, How the Lord is Good!
This past weekend the Lord has shown me in 3 pretty big ways the magnitude of His blessing.
(1)For starters, this weekend I went to Des Moines, IA for the Heartland Swing Festival. I competed in two competitions. One of them was a Same Gendered Strictly (Strictly=enter as a couple) with one of my best friends, Kelsey. We did pretty well but didn't end up making finals. Praise Jesus! because it ended up being a mockery of a competition, including drunk men making fools of themselves and another two men kissing just to win. Not my, nor Kelsey's, cup of tea...so we were thankful.
But that's not even the big blessing. The other competition I entered in was the Jack and Jill (you enter as an individual and are paired with somebody random). There were 3 preliminary rounds of approximately 18 couples each. That's a lot of competition and I didn't, in the least, expect to make it to finals. When the list of finalists' names was posted, mine surprisingly was one of them. That alone felt like an accomplishment.
Well, in the final round, I got paired with a super great dancer by the name of Anthony Chen. Here's a video of him at another event. Great, huh? Definitely better than I am.
When they named the winners later that night, our names were called for first place. FIRST PLACE! And with that title, we each got $100 and passes for Lindy on the Rocks in Denver. This is the event that I paid for by working a bunch of odd jobs this past summer...and this year I get to go for free. And the money that was won basically paid for my expenses for this weekend, making this weekend almost free too. Thank you Lord and Anthony Chen.
And just so you know, that win was (in my mind) 80% Anthony, 20% me. Nonetheless, I'm thankful for the experience.
(2) When I returned to the Cities, I picked up my car (I carpooled with friends) and stopped to fill it up with gas. At the gas station, a man walked up to me, while I was pumping gas, and asked if I could spare a dollar for food. I lied to him and told him I didn't have any cash on hand. He walked away slowly while I finished pumping gas, but the Lord just kept prodding me: whatever you do unto the least of these, you do unto me.
So, I grabbed my check card, locked my car doors, and walked over to the man. I bought that man, whose name is Kevin, some gas station food. Every time I told him he could grab more if he wanted to, the smile on his tired old face got a little bit bigger. It's sad that it works this way because it's not about me, but helping him blessed me a lot. There was joy to be found in the occasion. And I hope the Lord provides more opportunities for me to see a little bit of Jesus.
(3) My back door house key is by itself, separate from my car keys. When I arrived home, I was unloading my luggage from my car when I dropped my house key in the snow. I searched and searched and searched for it for 20 minutes. I was so frustrated, but praying to the Lord to help me have the faith that He would show me where it was. I looked some more, but to no avail. I still have the front door key, so I moved my car to the front of the house (the pathway to the front door from the backyard has been snowed in since the beginning of winter, hence moving the car to the front). I unloaded my stuff inside, but moved my car to the back again (with the snow falling outside, it's just easier to make sure the car is in the back in case of a snow emergency later). I prayed some more and looked again, but still nothing.
When I came back inside, I wrote my roommate a note to tell her about the situation. Right after that, I picked up the hanging clothes I had and the key fell right to the floor. Bam, there it was.
It would have been so easy for that key to have fallen when I was moving the clothes into the house without me knowing. It could have fallen on the street or sidewalk without me ever knowing it was there. But instead, the Lord blessed me with having to trust Him first and then providing the very thing I asked for in faith.
Oh, how the Lord is good!
(1)For starters, this weekend I went to Des Moines, IA for the Heartland Swing Festival. I competed in two competitions. One of them was a Same Gendered Strictly (Strictly=enter as a couple) with one of my best friends, Kelsey. We did pretty well but didn't end up making finals. Praise Jesus! because it ended up being a mockery of a competition, including drunk men making fools of themselves and another two men kissing just to win. Not my, nor Kelsey's, cup of tea...so we were thankful.
But that's not even the big blessing. The other competition I entered in was the Jack and Jill (you enter as an individual and are paired with somebody random). There were 3 preliminary rounds of approximately 18 couples each. That's a lot of competition and I didn't, in the least, expect to make it to finals. When the list of finalists' names was posted, mine surprisingly was one of them. That alone felt like an accomplishment.
Well, in the final round, I got paired with a super great dancer by the name of Anthony Chen. Here's a video of him at another event. Great, huh? Definitely better than I am.
When they named the winners later that night, our names were called for first place. FIRST PLACE! And with that title, we each got $100 and passes for Lindy on the Rocks in Denver. This is the event that I paid for by working a bunch of odd jobs this past summer...and this year I get to go for free. And the money that was won basically paid for my expenses for this weekend, making this weekend almost free too. Thank you Lord and Anthony Chen.
And just so you know, that win was (in my mind) 80% Anthony, 20% me. Nonetheless, I'm thankful for the experience.
(2) When I returned to the Cities, I picked up my car (I carpooled with friends) and stopped to fill it up with gas. At the gas station, a man walked up to me, while I was pumping gas, and asked if I could spare a dollar for food. I lied to him and told him I didn't have any cash on hand. He walked away slowly while I finished pumping gas, but the Lord just kept prodding me: whatever you do unto the least of these, you do unto me.
So, I grabbed my check card, locked my car doors, and walked over to the man. I bought that man, whose name is Kevin, some gas station food. Every time I told him he could grab more if he wanted to, the smile on his tired old face got a little bit bigger. It's sad that it works this way because it's not about me, but helping him blessed me a lot. There was joy to be found in the occasion. And I hope the Lord provides more opportunities for me to see a little bit of Jesus.
(3) My back door house key is by itself, separate from my car keys. When I arrived home, I was unloading my luggage from my car when I dropped my house key in the snow. I searched and searched and searched for it for 20 minutes. I was so frustrated, but praying to the Lord to help me have the faith that He would show me where it was. I looked some more, but to no avail. I still have the front door key, so I moved my car to the front of the house (the pathway to the front door from the backyard has been snowed in since the beginning of winter, hence moving the car to the front). I unloaded my stuff inside, but moved my car to the back again (with the snow falling outside, it's just easier to make sure the car is in the back in case of a snow emergency later). I prayed some more and looked again, but still nothing.
When I came back inside, I wrote my roommate a note to tell her about the situation. Right after that, I picked up the hanging clothes I had and the key fell right to the floor. Bam, there it was.
It would have been so easy for that key to have fallen when I was moving the clothes into the house without me knowing. It could have fallen on the street or sidewalk without me ever knowing it was there. But instead, the Lord blessed me with having to trust Him first and then providing the very thing I asked for in faith.
Oh, how the Lord is good!
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Prayer Requests:
(1) I need the right kind of motivation to finish my last semester. I'm doing very poorly and am terribly, terribly unmotivated. At first, I just brushed it off, as I have a way of finishing strong, but this time it's different. I'm getting very frustrated with myself and this frustration isn't helping me but hurting me.
"Lord, when I am weak, You are strong."
(2) On Monday, I was realizing that I missed having the "boy I said 'no' to" as a friend. There were a few moments that day when I wanted to randomly text him about something that he might enjoy. And there are certain things that I just relate to him better about (I feel like I don't have many friends who are in my life that I converse with on a regular basis that geek out about the things they're passionate about...and he does, all the time. And I love hearing about the things that other people love. I can't always relate, but I sure do prefer spending time with those kinds of people). Sorry, that was a mini ramble.
Anyways, I went to Secret Place on Tuesday, and lo-and-behold, he showed up that day too. And it was good to see him again. But then it happened again on Wednesday and then again today. And the missing him on Monday was just at a friendship level, but the missing him has elevated. Pray that I remain strong in my decision and act in ways towards "the boy" that are glorifying to the Lord.
"Lord, when I am weak, You are strong."
(3) I'm fighting the lies of Satan that I'm some silly girl that isn't smart enough to finish her homework, or responsible enough to be proactive about finding a good and meaningful job, is annoying and stupid enough to ignore the one chance at romance that she might have, too out of shape to fit into her clothes and look good, doesn't have a chance at being a good dancer, etc. etc. I don't know what has started this snowball (there's a good chance I'm very sleep deprived), but when I sit with my thoughts and reflections, I feel inadequate. I know these are LIES, but the truth is I'm struggling to fight them off.
"Lord, when I am weak, You are strong."
These are my prayer requests.
"Lord, when I am weak, You are strong."
(2) On Monday, I was realizing that I missed having the "boy I said 'no' to" as a friend. There were a few moments that day when I wanted to randomly text him about something that he might enjoy. And there are certain things that I just relate to him better about (I feel like I don't have many friends who are in my life that I converse with on a regular basis that geek out about the things they're passionate about...and he does, all the time. And I love hearing about the things that other people love. I can't always relate, but I sure do prefer spending time with those kinds of people). Sorry, that was a mini ramble.
Anyways, I went to Secret Place on Tuesday, and lo-and-behold, he showed up that day too. And it was good to see him again. But then it happened again on Wednesday and then again today. And the missing him on Monday was just at a friendship level, but the missing him has elevated. Pray that I remain strong in my decision and act in ways towards "the boy" that are glorifying to the Lord.
"Lord, when I am weak, You are strong."
(3) I'm fighting the lies of Satan that I'm some silly girl that isn't smart enough to finish her homework, or responsible enough to be proactive about finding a good and meaningful job, is annoying and stupid enough to ignore the one chance at romance that she might have, too out of shape to fit into her clothes and look good, doesn't have a chance at being a good dancer, etc. etc. I don't know what has started this snowball (there's a good chance I'm very sleep deprived), but when I sit with my thoughts and reflections, I feel inadequate. I know these are LIES, but the truth is I'm struggling to fight them off.
"Lord, when I am weak, You are strong."
These are my prayer requests.
Monday, February 14, 2011
Unmotivated But Blessed
This week promises to be a long one. I took a test today, a big paper due Wednesday (that I've yet to even start reading for and am not at all interested in), and then another yucky test Thursday.
I need motivation for all of this and fast!
Basically, I have a jumble of thoughts that are ready to issue forth. Be prepared.
First off, it feels good to finally be able to identity a bit of where my (lack of) motivation is coming from. Between talking with a friend and discussion in class, I have identified this:
I feel a huge weight of what my parents and relatives expect from me as an undergrad and what comes after. It feels as though their expectations are really high and if I don't put my best foot forward at every moment, it seems as though they expect me to fail. One prime example: my uncle stated that if I don't go to grad school right away, I never will. I feel like I can't necessarily meet all their expectations anymore, so part of me doesn't even want to try anymore. And because I don't try that hard anymore, part of me feels like I'm failing at life. I'm struggling with every single one of my classes, I don't have a real job for after school, and I don't know where I'm going to live or with whom. And it seems like everybody wants to know. Well, I don't...and everybody expecting me to know and to do well at it makes me not want to try. And so the cycle continues.
Now a good realization that doesn't make me feel inadequate.
In the past couple of weeks I have realized more and more how blessed I am to have the people in my life that I do. Thinking about my friendships, I was realizing how I don't have the one best friend that just gets me. But what I have instead are at least three friends that I feel that I will keep for life: Hannah Y., Katie M., and Katie W..
Hannah: you have been the source of so much life for me. You are so encouraging to so many people and it seems like you know exactly what to say at all the right moments. I am so incredibly blessed that you are in my life. I love my Wednesdays with you, or any other day for that matter. I love you, my dear friend. So, when I graduate: can we drink some beers on the kitchen floor?
Katie M: I don't think there is anybody else in this world who gets me quite like you do. You have filled my heart and mind with so much wisdom. I really don't know if I would have made it through the last three years without you being a part of my life. Your companionship on our many mini adventures, your influence of culture and Scripture, and your excitement for the little things has made my past years more full. Thank you for all of it.
Katie W: You have been one of the few constants in my college years. You are so strong and grounded and insightful. I may not see you as much anymore, but I think of all the people in my life, and after my mother, you may have had the most influence. I'm so excited that you will get to marry the love of your life soon, but I am sad that you will never again be my roommate. You have been so valuable to me.
I need motivation for all of this and fast!
Basically, I have a jumble of thoughts that are ready to issue forth. Be prepared.
First off, it feels good to finally be able to identity a bit of where my (lack of) motivation is coming from. Between talking with a friend and discussion in class, I have identified this:
I feel a huge weight of what my parents and relatives expect from me as an undergrad and what comes after. It feels as though their expectations are really high and if I don't put my best foot forward at every moment, it seems as though they expect me to fail. One prime example: my uncle stated that if I don't go to grad school right away, I never will. I feel like I can't necessarily meet all their expectations anymore, so part of me doesn't even want to try anymore. And because I don't try that hard anymore, part of me feels like I'm failing at life. I'm struggling with every single one of my classes, I don't have a real job for after school, and I don't know where I'm going to live or with whom. And it seems like everybody wants to know. Well, I don't...and everybody expecting me to know and to do well at it makes me not want to try. And so the cycle continues.
Now a good realization that doesn't make me feel inadequate.
In the past couple of weeks I have realized more and more how blessed I am to have the people in my life that I do. Thinking about my friendships, I was realizing how I don't have the one best friend that just gets me. But what I have instead are at least three friends that I feel that I will keep for life: Hannah Y., Katie M., and Katie W..
Hannah: you have been the source of so much life for me. You are so encouraging to so many people and it seems like you know exactly what to say at all the right moments. I am so incredibly blessed that you are in my life. I love my Wednesdays with you, or any other day for that matter. I love you, my dear friend. So, when I graduate: can we drink some beers on the kitchen floor?
Katie M: I don't think there is anybody else in this world who gets me quite like you do. You have filled my heart and mind with so much wisdom. I really don't know if I would have made it through the last three years without you being a part of my life. Your companionship on our many mini adventures, your influence of culture and Scripture, and your excitement for the little things has made my past years more full. Thank you for all of it.
Katie W: You have been one of the few constants in my college years. You are so strong and grounded and insightful. I may not see you as much anymore, but I think of all the people in my life, and after my mother, you may have had the most influence. I'm so excited that you will get to marry the love of your life soon, but I am sad that you will never again be my roommate. You have been so valuable to me.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Good Things
In the past many months, I've written a bunch about my struggles. I think that this is because, like Thoreau pointed out, that it's in when I'm struggling that I reflect most on my life. BUT, I am also inspired by other things too. Good things. Happy things. Positively joyful things.
Here are some of them:
*Jo Hoffberg's dancing. She dances so playfully and I love it.
This one is my favorite.
*Soft falling snow. Stand outside as it's falling and simply listen. It whispers.
I'm with many of you that are sick of the cold and winter, but when the snow falls, just take a moment to soak it in. It's beautiful, so don't let the moment pass.
*Good conversations and even better people at my secret place. It's getting to the point where the baristas know what I'm going to order.
*Spontaneous roa
d trips to see some of my favorite people. I went to Pequot Lakes last weekend to see Heather and her husband Aaron. Heather is the one that I lived with the summer after my freshmen year and spent the best summer of my life with. I also got to be in her wedding last spring. So, spending time with her, making faces, and playing hours upon hours of board games was a drink of refreshing to my soul.
<--This picture is from that summer.
Here are some of them:
*Jo Hoffberg's dancing. She dances so playfully and I love it.
This one is my favorite.
*Soft falling snow. Stand outside as it's falling and simply listen. It whispers.
I'm with many of you that are sick of the cold and winter, but when the snow falls, just take a moment to soak it in. It's beautiful, so don't let the moment pass.
*Good conversations and even better people at my secret place. It's getting to the point where the baristas know what I'm going to order.
*Spontaneous roa
d trips to see some of my favorite people. I went to Pequot Lakes last weekend to see Heather and her husband Aaron. Heather is the one that I lived with the summer after my freshmen year and spent the best summer of my life with. I also got to be in her wedding last spring. So, spending time with her, making faces, and playing hours upon hours of board games was a drink of refreshing to my soul.<--This picture is from that summer.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Thoreau and Jane Eyre
When I was thinking about writing here, I realized that I write about many depressing thoughts. I hope that, in turn, I can also clearly convey the insight that I've gained from these thoughts. Henry David Thoreau knew both ends of the things depressing and reflected on his sadness and wrote these words in his journal in 1851:
"Why should pensiveness be akin to sadness? There is a certain fertile sadness which I would not avoid, but rather earnestly seek. It is positively joyful to me. It saves my life from being trivial."
The sadness and the struggles are the very things that are helping me to grow the most. Through these struggles I have seen my strengths, yes, but more so, I have seen my weaknesses. And in those weaknesses, the Lord shows me what I should be working on in my life or he shows me just how strong He was (and is) in those moments.
My latest struggle is not surprising. It has been over a man. It's complicated and simple, like any relationship tends to be.
This man is someone I've liked for over two years now, and I have found out that he has liked me for that long too. He's been incredibly sweet and understanding, generous and kind. But there is one large problem: he is not a believer.
To me it doesn't seem that simple, but really, it is.
A couple of posts back, I wrote about what I might want in a man and being a believer was a given. But when the man you've been crushing on for the past two years is crushing back, has a beard and likes good beer (reference to the earlier post), that simple given doesn't seem like the given it once was. But I know it still is.
I've already told him my decision of discontinuing to date one another. I had peace for about a week with that decision. Half way through the week, he sent me poetry that basically asked me to reconsider. I still had peace until a couple of days after that he called to ask me about my reaction to the poetry. I held my ground. But then he texted back to clarify: he would respect my beliefs and be good to me if I gave him the chance.
I know that my answer will remain the same, but it hurts to give up, not only the guy you've been crushing on for two years, but also the first guy who has ever pursued with good intentions.
After he sent me the poetry, I was reminded of story of Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte. Jane and her beloved are at the chapel about to get married, when a man disrupts the ceremony. This man announces that Mr. Rochester (her beloved) is still married to another woman. Jane tries to leave, and Mr. Rochester tries to convince her to stay by explaining to her that his wife is mentally deranged and not the woman he married (he's actually locked her in the attic and hired somebody to take care of her). He cannot get a divorce, but tries to convince Jane that they could live as though they were married anyway.
Jane replies, to the man she loves, with some very powerful words:
"Laws and principles are not for times when there is no temptation; they are for such moments as this, when body and soul rise in mutiny against their rigor; stringent are they; inviolate they shall be."
And Jane leaves her beloved.
Like Jane, I'm tempted. Like Jane, I feel the hurt of doing the right thing. And just like Jane, I will follow the laws and principles in spite of it all and will leave this relationship behind.
And hopefully, just like Thoreau, I will find the greater meaning behind this struggle and sadness.
"Why should pensiveness be akin to sadness? There is a certain fertile sadness which I would not avoid, but rather earnestly seek. It is positively joyful to me. It saves my life from being trivial."
The sadness and the struggles are the very things that are helping me to grow the most. Through these struggles I have seen my strengths, yes, but more so, I have seen my weaknesses. And in those weaknesses, the Lord shows me what I should be working on in my life or he shows me just how strong He was (and is) in those moments.
My latest struggle is not surprising. It has been over a man. It's complicated and simple, like any relationship tends to be.
This man is someone I've liked for over two years now, and I have found out that he has liked me for that long too. He's been incredibly sweet and understanding, generous and kind. But there is one large problem: he is not a believer.
To me it doesn't seem that simple, but really, it is.
A couple of posts back, I wrote about what I might want in a man and being a believer was a given. But when the man you've been crushing on for the past two years is crushing back, has a beard and likes good beer (reference to the earlier post), that simple given doesn't seem like the given it once was. But I know it still is.
I've already told him my decision of discontinuing to date one another. I had peace for about a week with that decision. Half way through the week, he sent me poetry that basically asked me to reconsider. I still had peace until a couple of days after that he called to ask me about my reaction to the poetry. I held my ground. But then he texted back to clarify: he would respect my beliefs and be good to me if I gave him the chance.
I know that my answer will remain the same, but it hurts to give up, not only the guy you've been crushing on for two years, but also the first guy who has ever pursued with good intentions.
After he sent me the poetry, I was reminded of story of Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte. Jane and her beloved are at the chapel about to get married, when a man disrupts the ceremony. This man announces that Mr. Rochester (her beloved) is still married to another woman. Jane tries to leave, and Mr. Rochester tries to convince her to stay by explaining to her that his wife is mentally deranged and not the woman he married (he's actually locked her in the attic and hired somebody to take care of her). He cannot get a divorce, but tries to convince Jane that they could live as though they were married anyway.
Jane replies, to the man she loves, with some very powerful words:
"Laws and principles are not for times when there is no temptation; they are for such moments as this, when body and soul rise in mutiny against their rigor; stringent are they; inviolate they shall be."
And Jane leaves her beloved.
Like Jane, I'm tempted. Like Jane, I feel the hurt of doing the right thing. And just like Jane, I will follow the laws and principles in spite of it all and will leave this relationship behind.
And hopefully, just like Thoreau, I will find the greater meaning behind this struggle and sadness.
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Looking Back
I like to reread what I've written here on occasion. It show's me how the Lord has been working even when I couldn't see it at the time.
On April 26th I quoted Isaiah 43:1-5:
But now, this is what the Lord says--he who created you, O Jacob, he who formed you, O Israel: "Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the LORD, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior; I give Egypt for your ransom, Cush and Seba in your stead. Since you are precious and honored in my sight and because I love you, I will give men in exchange for you, and people in exchange for your life. Do not be afraid, for I am with you..."
At the time of writing the earlier post, I really needed to hear that the Lord was with me and would bring me through life's struggles. It resonated with me that He would bring me through the waters and the fire, that I was still precious to Him, and that He was LORD and Savior.
In rereading it, the part that stuck out this time was the end of this segment: " Since you are precious and honored in my sight and because I love you, I will give men in exchange for you, and people in exchange for your life."
The Lord removed somebody from my life and it hurt. But as time goes on, I see more and more into who God is calling me to be and I see more and more how that person would not have helped me become that person. The Lord was faithful to "give men in exchange for [me], and people in exchange for [my] life." I should not waste the blessings that the Lord gives, including the ones that He takes away.
On April 26th I quoted Isaiah 43:1-5:
But now, this is what the Lord says--he who created you, O Jacob, he who formed you, O Israel: "Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the LORD, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior; I give Egypt for your ransom, Cush and Seba in your stead. Since you are precious and honored in my sight and because I love you, I will give men in exchange for you, and people in exchange for your life. Do not be afraid, for I am with you..."
At the time of writing the earlier post, I really needed to hear that the Lord was with me and would bring me through life's struggles. It resonated with me that He would bring me through the waters and the fire, that I was still precious to Him, and that He was LORD and Savior.
In rereading it, the part that stuck out this time was the end of this segment: " Since you are precious and honored in my sight and because I love you, I will give men in exchange for you, and people in exchange for your life."
The Lord removed somebody from my life and it hurt. But as time goes on, I see more and more into who God is calling me to be and I see more and more how that person would not have helped me become that person. The Lord was faithful to "give men in exchange for [me], and people in exchange for [my] life." I should not waste the blessings that the Lord gives, including the ones that He takes away.
Musings
There have been so many random thoughts in my head recently. So many lessons learned. So many superficial but interesting musings.
(1) Like any girl, I crave chocolate and think about the kind of man I would like to be married to someday. There are the deal breakers to think about: must love the Lord (duh) and be seeking after Him, be confident, humble, have a sense of humor. But I would also love it if he had a beard and liked to drink beer (responsibly!). As my past has shown me, the Lord is faithful to give me what I need, not necessarily what I want. So, I wonder what kind of man he will be.
(2) I also wonder if there will even be a husband in my future. Only time will tell. I do hope there will be one because one day...
(3) ...I want to be a foster/adoptive mom to a whole gaggle of children who need somebody to love them. And to love them not only with earthly love but also with the love of Christ. I would prefer to be married and give these children a chance to have both a mother and a father, and also so that I can have a support system for all the hard things that come along with children who have come from hard lives. I'm terribly, terribly excited for when this day comes!
(4) I love being a psychology major! It's all so interesting and applicable. And for your information, no, I'm not analyzing you. Rather, I'm analyzing me and how I'm reacting to you.
(5) My analysis of myself has led me to understand more of my self. For one, I'm a person with a high need of affiliation. This is the need for close, intimate, warm relationships. This kind of person is also more sensitive/anxious to interpreted cues that somebody doesn't like them, though they are often well liked by people.
(6) My love language is quality time and words of affirmation. I knew I was a quality time person, but I wasn't really aware that I was a words of affirmation person too. But with hindsight, I can definitely see this being true. With the exception of...
(7)...the fact that I also have a high need for honesty. I am a very honest person, but if you can't be honest with me in return, I will have a hard time accepting the things you say. I don't mean honest as in telling the truth, but in being real and not just being "Minnesotan nice."
(8) Along with the love languages assessment, I also took a language of apology assessment. I found out that I am the most receptive of an apology if the other person admits their wrong/responsibility in the matter. When it comes to conflict, I also find the most peace if I can tell the other person why I feel hurt (aka: why they hurt/frustrated me).
(9) Modern technology creates ADD in all of us. Between TV, computers and internet (especially facebook), and cell phones and texting, we are programed to constantly updated and quickly moving from task to task. We, as young American adult society are distracted. I am very much a member! I rarely write anything of a given length and when I do, I make it into a list (such as now). I am constantly wondering if I have a text message or if I have a new notification on facebook. I have a hard time focusing on any one thing for any real length of time. I even have a hard time focusing on the Word, even if I have adequate time to really dig in. I may have slept less my freshman year, but I was more focused then (at least when it comes to homework).
(10) With that being said, I think that I am going to challenge myself. Over break, I'm going to Indiana with my friends Hannah and Steffen for a week and a half. I will leave my phone at home and be rid of the internet (or at least facebook) for that period of time.
As for now: it is 1:30 am, I have laundry to fold, and I'm tired. Good night!
(1) Like any girl, I crave chocolate and think about the kind of man I would like to be married to someday. There are the deal breakers to think about: must love the Lord (duh) and be seeking after Him, be confident, humble, have a sense of humor. But I would also love it if he had a beard and liked to drink beer (responsibly!). As my past has shown me, the Lord is faithful to give me what I need, not necessarily what I want. So, I wonder what kind of man he will be.
(2) I also wonder if there will even be a husband in my future. Only time will tell. I do hope there will be one because one day...
(3) ...I want to be a foster/adoptive mom to a whole gaggle of children who need somebody to love them. And to love them not only with earthly love but also with the love of Christ. I would prefer to be married and give these children a chance to have both a mother and a father, and also so that I can have a support system for all the hard things that come along with children who have come from hard lives. I'm terribly, terribly excited for when this day comes!
(4) I love being a psychology major! It's all so interesting and applicable. And for your information, no, I'm not analyzing you. Rather, I'm analyzing me and how I'm reacting to you.
(5) My analysis of myself has led me to understand more of my self. For one, I'm a person with a high need of affiliation. This is the need for close, intimate, warm relationships. This kind of person is also more sensitive/anxious to interpreted cues that somebody doesn't like them, though they are often well liked by people.
(6) My love language is quality time and words of affirmation. I knew I was a quality time person, but I wasn't really aware that I was a words of affirmation person too. But with hindsight, I can definitely see this being true. With the exception of...
(7)...the fact that I also have a high need for honesty. I am a very honest person, but if you can't be honest with me in return, I will have a hard time accepting the things you say. I don't mean honest as in telling the truth, but in being real and not just being "Minnesotan nice."
(8) Along with the love languages assessment, I also took a language of apology assessment. I found out that I am the most receptive of an apology if the other person admits their wrong/responsibility in the matter. When it comes to conflict, I also find the most peace if I can tell the other person why I feel hurt (aka: why they hurt/frustrated me).
(9) Modern technology creates ADD in all of us. Between TV, computers and internet (especially facebook), and cell phones and texting, we are programed to constantly updated and quickly moving from task to task. We, as young American adult society are distracted. I am very much a member! I rarely write anything of a given length and when I do, I make it into a list (such as now). I am constantly wondering if I have a text message or if I have a new notification on facebook. I have a hard time focusing on any one thing for any real length of time. I even have a hard time focusing on the Word, even if I have adequate time to really dig in. I may have slept less my freshman year, but I was more focused then (at least when it comes to homework).
(10) With that being said, I think that I am going to challenge myself. Over break, I'm going to Indiana with my friends Hannah and Steffen for a week and a half. I will leave my phone at home and be rid of the internet (or at least facebook) for that period of time.
As for now: it is 1:30 am, I have laundry to fold, and I'm tired. Good night!
Sunday, December 5, 2010
The Girl Who Cried "Boy"
I really am a silly girl. I am the girl who often cries “boy,” and today, it kicked me in the butt.
I sit here in a quiet, dimly lit coffee shop. The kind with musty couches and pretentious hipsters with their Apple computers, horn-rimmed glasses, and notebooks filled doodles and musings. My kind of place.
But in the corner sit two girls who disrupt the very nature of this place. They are speaking louder than the socially acceptable hush. Not only that, but their conversation is not even interesting, but annoying. They gossip, gossip, gossip. Tell boy story after boy story. And not one edifying thing comes out of their mouth. Well, one did proclaim “how nice” someone was, but the forced pleasantness in her voice would suggest that she was grasping at something “nice” to say herself.
I tell you all of this criticizing observation because this is the very trend I have found my own self in, especially in my relationship to the people from dancing. I can easily pick apart people’s dancing skills, social interactions, and emphasize how irritating I may find them. I know how to exclaim pleasantries about someone just to make up for all the gossiping I’ve done. And I definitely know how to gush about and dissect any boy story, big or small.
So today on my way to church I experienced a small encounter with a guy. It is of no matter to tell you. But, when I arrived to church, I gushed about the story to two of my female friends. There was a bit of a “you-silly-girl” tone to their voices but they were also amused.
Anyways, I moved on to go to service. I was going to sit with one of them and Amy. As I was going upstairs (from the fellowship hall in the basement to the chapel on first floor) to service, I saw another friend, whom I haven’t seen in a while, and rushed over to hug her and exchange hellos. In the process I lost the friend and Amy.
So I went to the chapel and walked in to look for them. I looked and looked around, but to no avail. Who I did see, on the other hand, was a bit unsettling to me.
Earlier this fall, I received a large bout of text messages from guy at church. A mere skeleton of the course of events:
-I received a few sporadic texts this summer inviting me to activities but I never responded. I was never able to go and I assumed they were texts sent to the masses.
-One night at the beginning of the fall, he sent something like 10 texts in the course of three late night hours asking why I never responded and accusing me of other things.
-I responded finally after a few more nights of these types of occurrences asking him to stop because I felt overwhelmed by the volume of texts I was receiving.
-He then sent another mass amount of texts telling me I was the one with a problem.
Needless to say, I don’t necessarily feel comfortable or safe about this man.
Back to the original story… This was the first time I had seen him at church since everything had happened. And seeing him left me feeling slightly frightened, so I left the chapel to seek out the friend and Amy. I wanted to find someone and fast to feel safer.
As I went to return downstairs to look for them, the friend came up the stairs with another one of her friends. Sigh of relief. But they started to enter the main level of the chapel, where the guy was. Feeling unsettled, I asked her if we could please go to the balcony. She continued to follow her friend into the chapel. I rushed to explain—“there is someone in there who I want to avoid.” A small laugh hinting at how silly she thought I was came from her mouth and body language. More subtle pleading, “No, really. He sent me a lot of texts and…” Dismissing me, she stated “You can sit up there by yourself if you want to. I’m sitting down here.” And she turned her back and walked away.
In that moment I not only felt frightened but also disrespected. And terribly, terribly hurt. Kind of like a slap in the face—the initial feeling of shock while the pain settles in.
I tried to dismiss the feeling quickly and went back downstairs to search for Amy. Thankfully I found her and thankfully she willingly sat with me in the balcony. And I tried desperately to push away the feelings and tell myself I was okay. But as I sat there in our third row balcony pew, the mixture of being frightened, disrespected, and hurt sank in deeper and deeper, and with it the tears and runny nose. And I wept.
The psych major in me analyzed the situation, and my conclusion is this: the friend was in the right to dismiss me. I am the girl that cried “boy” and hence her reaction to me wanting to avoid one. Even so, I still think my hurt is legitimate and so in part is her responsibility in causing it. I have bad habits, but she made a bad choice.
This moves onto my next thought process. There are a couple more friendships that I have been hurt by lately that are, in principle, similar to this one. It is easy to point fingers and place blame on the other person, but the Spirit has been helping me to identify my own sin in the matter before I confront the other person. Both sides have some responsibility in the brokenness of the relationship. I have bad habits and I've been hurt by their bad reactions. And my struggle now is wanting to repair friendships and confront the wrongs and hurts, but not knowing where my wrongs end and theirs begin. What sin is mine and what is theirs? How much do I claim as mine and how much do I hold them responsible to their own? And how do we turn the whole boat around to stop this broken relationship and turn it into one where we build up and encourage one another? I don't know yet, but I'm praying my way through it.
I sit here in a quiet, dimly lit coffee shop. The kind with musty couches and pretentious hipsters with their Apple computers, horn-rimmed glasses, and notebooks filled doodles and musings. My kind of place.
But in the corner sit two girls who disrupt the very nature of this place. They are speaking louder than the socially acceptable hush. Not only that, but their conversation is not even interesting, but annoying. They gossip, gossip, gossip. Tell boy story after boy story. And not one edifying thing comes out of their mouth. Well, one did proclaim “how nice” someone was, but the forced pleasantness in her voice would suggest that she was grasping at something “nice” to say herself.
I tell you all of this criticizing observation because this is the very trend I have found my own self in, especially in my relationship to the people from dancing. I can easily pick apart people’s dancing skills, social interactions, and emphasize how irritating I may find them. I know how to exclaim pleasantries about someone just to make up for all the gossiping I’ve done. And I definitely know how to gush about and dissect any boy story, big or small.
So today on my way to church I experienced a small encounter with a guy. It is of no matter to tell you. But, when I arrived to church, I gushed about the story to two of my female friends. There was a bit of a “you-silly-girl” tone to their voices but they were also amused.
Anyways, I moved on to go to service. I was going to sit with one of them and Amy. As I was going upstairs (from the fellowship hall in the basement to the chapel on first floor) to service, I saw another friend, whom I haven’t seen in a while, and rushed over to hug her and exchange hellos. In the process I lost the friend and Amy.
So I went to the chapel and walked in to look for them. I looked and looked around, but to no avail. Who I did see, on the other hand, was a bit unsettling to me.
Earlier this fall, I received a large bout of text messages from guy at church. A mere skeleton of the course of events:
-I received a few sporadic texts this summer inviting me to activities but I never responded. I was never able to go and I assumed they were texts sent to the masses.
-One night at the beginning of the fall, he sent something like 10 texts in the course of three late night hours asking why I never responded and accusing me of other things.
-I responded finally after a few more nights of these types of occurrences asking him to stop because I felt overwhelmed by the volume of texts I was receiving.
-He then sent another mass amount of texts telling me I was the one with a problem.
Needless to say, I don’t necessarily feel comfortable or safe about this man.
Back to the original story… This was the first time I had seen him at church since everything had happened. And seeing him left me feeling slightly frightened, so I left the chapel to seek out the friend and Amy. I wanted to find someone and fast to feel safer.
As I went to return downstairs to look for them, the friend came up the stairs with another one of her friends. Sigh of relief. But they started to enter the main level of the chapel, where the guy was. Feeling unsettled, I asked her if we could please go to the balcony. She continued to follow her friend into the chapel. I rushed to explain—“there is someone in there who I want to avoid.” A small laugh hinting at how silly she thought I was came from her mouth and body language. More subtle pleading, “No, really. He sent me a lot of texts and…” Dismissing me, she stated “You can sit up there by yourself if you want to. I’m sitting down here.” And she turned her back and walked away.
In that moment I not only felt frightened but also disrespected. And terribly, terribly hurt. Kind of like a slap in the face—the initial feeling of shock while the pain settles in.
I tried to dismiss the feeling quickly and went back downstairs to search for Amy. Thankfully I found her and thankfully she willingly sat with me in the balcony. And I tried desperately to push away the feelings and tell myself I was okay. But as I sat there in our third row balcony pew, the mixture of being frightened, disrespected, and hurt sank in deeper and deeper, and with it the tears and runny nose. And I wept.
The psych major in me analyzed the situation, and my conclusion is this: the friend was in the right to dismiss me. I am the girl that cried “boy” and hence her reaction to me wanting to avoid one. Even so, I still think my hurt is legitimate and so in part is her responsibility in causing it. I have bad habits, but she made a bad choice.
This moves onto my next thought process. There are a couple more friendships that I have been hurt by lately that are, in principle, similar to this one. It is easy to point fingers and place blame on the other person, but the Spirit has been helping me to identify my own sin in the matter before I confront the other person. Both sides have some responsibility in the brokenness of the relationship. I have bad habits and I've been hurt by their bad reactions. And my struggle now is wanting to repair friendships and confront the wrongs and hurts, but not knowing where my wrongs end and theirs begin. What sin is mine and what is theirs? How much do I claim as mine and how much do I hold them responsible to their own? And how do we turn the whole boat around to stop this broken relationship and turn it into one where we build up and encourage one another? I don't know yet, but I'm praying my way through it.
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Silly Selfish People
Too often in life we find solitude in our selfishness and try to blame others for their own. I look back on my relationships and the people that I’ve loved and lost and I see the common thread. It was me looking to find my comfort in them when all along they needed me to do the same for them even more. I had a want and they had a need. Yet I can rationalize losing them by saying it was there own fault. Their actions said they didn’t want me or need me anymore. They didn’t because I was never the person or thing they needed. I never showed them how much I needed them. But I didn’t, not really.
Silly how selfish people find other selfish people. Silly how we try to blame those selfish people and they try to blame us. Silly silly. This circle will continue to go round and round.
Silly how much we don’t deserve what we’ve been given. Selfishly so.
For you see, the only thing silly selfish people need is grace from the Jesus who wants them.
Monday, September 27, 2010
Rantings and Ramblings
My life is full right now, although not packed. But full enough to keep me tired and always on the go. School, work, Swing Club, dancing, church, laundry, friends, family, dates, groceries...the list goes on. I don't mean for this to be a pity rant because I knowingly did and do this to myself. I enjoy a lot of it too, although I do wish I had the freedom of spontaneity. Anywho...that's a quick overview of what has been filling my time.
That's what has been filling my time, but that's not always what's been filling my heart and soul.
I've been running on a spiritually low gas tank for some time now. Part of that is that I make the excuse that I'm too busy or tired to open up God's Word at the end of the day. Clearly, this is no excuse and I'm beginning to feel the effects of making this for an excuse.
I've seen the effects most clearly in the bitterness I feel towards somebody that has and continues to be a hurtful presence in my life. This negative feeling of bitterness has in the course of a week strengthened and festered its way outwards (if you see me flip the bird at any given point, you now know why). I'm not satisfied with my actions. I want to be filled with the forgiveness and love of Christ and not the awful corrosion of bitter hurt and anger.
I want to be filled once again with the guidance of God's Holy Spirit. I want my cup to be overflowing so that I can pour into others with abundance. There are certain people that I have in mind, but also for the sake of Swing Club. I want Christ to be glorified through my relationships, but if I'm starting to run on empty, there's a good chance that I will act selfishly.
I know that my thoughts do not form a cohesive whole, but at least it's an update. And I need desperately to sleep now, so I bid you adieu.
That's what has been filling my time, but that's not always what's been filling my heart and soul.
I've been running on a spiritually low gas tank for some time now. Part of that is that I make the excuse that I'm too busy or tired to open up God's Word at the end of the day. Clearly, this is no excuse and I'm beginning to feel the effects of making this for an excuse.
I've seen the effects most clearly in the bitterness I feel towards somebody that has and continues to be a hurtful presence in my life. This negative feeling of bitterness has in the course of a week strengthened and festered its way outwards (if you see me flip the bird at any given point, you now know why). I'm not satisfied with my actions. I want to be filled with the forgiveness and love of Christ and not the awful corrosion of bitter hurt and anger.
I want to be filled once again with the guidance of God's Holy Spirit. I want my cup to be overflowing so that I can pour into others with abundance. There are certain people that I have in mind, but also for the sake of Swing Club. I want Christ to be glorified through my relationships, but if I'm starting to run on empty, there's a good chance that I will act selfishly.
I know that my thoughts do not form a cohesive whole, but at least it's an update. And I need desperately to sleep now, so I bid you adieu.
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Behind the Glass Case
I read multiple books by Elizabeth Elliot this summer. Mostly because I desperately needed to hear what she had to say.
In her most popular book Passion and Purity, she wrote this:
"I wanted to marry a man prepared to swim against the tide. I took it for granted that there must be a few men left in the world who had that kind of strength. I assumed that those men would also be looking for women of principle. I did not want to be among the marked-down goods on the bargain table, cheap because they'd been pawed over. Crowds collect there. It is only few who will pay full price."
While I am work, I have the opportunity to think a lot. This past week, I thought quite a bit about this quote. While doing so, I came to the realization that I don't always mind being "pawed over." It is momentarily satisfactory to feel wanted, and just like at the store, more people pay attention when there is a sale. But that also means that the value of the desired object is lowered.
When I thought about what was cheap and what was expensive at the store, I equated E. Elliot's full priced items to fine jewelry. Gold and diamonds are expensive and are locked behind a glass case. When people walk into a department store, often they will bypass the fine jewelry for items that are more readily affordable. But when that fine jewelry is really a gem of a girl, it can get lonely watching everybody pass by. It makes one want to put out the Sale sign to catch some attention.
So this is my confession. It's hard to wait for the one who will pay full price. Sometimes I buy into the lie that that kind of man doesn't exist. Sometimes I forget to fight the urge to live a life that speaks of my value (which is found only through Christ). Sometimes I want to be "pawed over."
Sometimes, but not always. I will, by the grace of God, continue to fight the good fight.
In her most popular book Passion and Purity, she wrote this:
"I wanted to marry a man prepared to swim against the tide. I took it for granted that there must be a few men left in the world who had that kind of strength. I assumed that those men would also be looking for women of principle. I did not want to be among the marked-down goods on the bargain table, cheap because they'd been pawed over. Crowds collect there. It is only few who will pay full price."
While I am work, I have the opportunity to think a lot. This past week, I thought quite a bit about this quote. While doing so, I came to the realization that I don't always mind being "pawed over." It is momentarily satisfactory to feel wanted, and just like at the store, more people pay attention when there is a sale. But that also means that the value of the desired object is lowered.
When I thought about what was cheap and what was expensive at the store, I equated E. Elliot's full priced items to fine jewelry. Gold and diamonds are expensive and are locked behind a glass case. When people walk into a department store, often they will bypass the fine jewelry for items that are more readily affordable. But when that fine jewelry is really a gem of a girl, it can get lonely watching everybody pass by. It makes one want to put out the Sale sign to catch some attention.
So this is my confession. It's hard to wait for the one who will pay full price. Sometimes I buy into the lie that that kind of man doesn't exist. Sometimes I forget to fight the urge to live a life that speaks of my value (which is found only through Christ). Sometimes I want to be "pawed over."
Sometimes, but not always. I will, by the grace of God, continue to fight the good fight.
We Fall Down and Get Back Up
I Peter 2:11-12 ~ "Dear friends, I urge you, as aliens and strangers in the world, to abstain from sinful desires, which war against your soul. Live such good lives among the pagans that, though they accuse you of doing wrong, they may see your good deeds and glorify God on the day he visits us."
CONVICTION!
Yesterday, there was Dance Day at the Tea Garden in Uptown, which ended with a soul swing party (which usually means a little more risque dancing). Later in the evening, some Northwestern kids came in for a bro/sis hall event...which means that it was predominantly freshmen. And while they were there, I made the not wise choice of partaking in some of the more risque dancing that was happening.
Now, I don't feel the cut of conviction deep down, but that doesn't mean that I don't know what I did was wrong. It was fun to dance that way, but that's where a lot of sin can take over. I think a good chunk of our sin is that which starts in the gray area and leads us further down the wide path (Matt. 7:13). The other part is that obedience to God does not frequently rest upon how we feel. It felt fun, I don't feel incredibly cut to the heart about it, but that does not stop the fact that I disobeyed and made a mistake. And not only to the NWC freshmen, but to the dancers I'm around on a regular basis. I did not abstain from my sinful desires (which includes the fact that I was selfish to overlook the chance that I could have made another stumble), I did not lead by living such a good life, I did wrong. I'm sorry.
Praise the Lord that He is full of second chances. He has already forgiven me. I am undeserving, but thankful.
CONVICTION!
Yesterday, there was Dance Day at the Tea Garden in Uptown, which ended with a soul swing party (which usually means a little more risque dancing). Later in the evening, some Northwestern kids came in for a bro/sis hall event...which means that it was predominantly freshmen. And while they were there, I made the not wise choice of partaking in some of the more risque dancing that was happening.
Now, I don't feel the cut of conviction deep down, but that doesn't mean that I don't know what I did was wrong. It was fun to dance that way, but that's where a lot of sin can take over. I think a good chunk of our sin is that which starts in the gray area and leads us further down the wide path (Matt. 7:13). The other part is that obedience to God does not frequently rest upon how we feel. It felt fun, I don't feel incredibly cut to the heart about it, but that does not stop the fact that I disobeyed and made a mistake. And not only to the NWC freshmen, but to the dancers I'm around on a regular basis. I did not abstain from my sinful desires (which includes the fact that I was selfish to overlook the chance that I could have made another stumble), I did not lead by living such a good life, I did wrong. I'm sorry.
Praise the Lord that He is full of second chances. He has already forgiven me. I am undeserving, but thankful.
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Challenges
The Lord has taught me so much in the past couple of months. It's crazy how pain and struggle can push you the closest to the Lord.
Tonight, I was spending time with the Lord when He challenged me on something. He pointed out how sometimes falling on my face and consequently pushing away God has been the very thing that helps me come back to Him and listen. But then He asked me if I would let a friend do the same thing. I didn't hear an audible voice, but God was telling me, "Cassie, what I'm asking of you will hurt a lot. They will hurt you, they will hurt themselves, and they're going to hurt Me too. But are you willing to let them so that I can be glorified in the end?"
Even having God ask this of me hurts. But I want to obedient.
So this is my prayer request. I want to stay strong and obedient to the Lord, but "hands-off" on whatever this means for my friend. And I ask for peace about it. Because right now, my soul is warring at this concept. I do not want to let a friend make big mistakes, but the Lord is in control, not me.
Tonight, I was spending time with the Lord when He challenged me on something. He pointed out how sometimes falling on my face and consequently pushing away God has been the very thing that helps me come back to Him and listen. But then He asked me if I would let a friend do the same thing. I didn't hear an audible voice, but God was telling me, "Cassie, what I'm asking of you will hurt a lot. They will hurt you, they will hurt themselves, and they're going to hurt Me too. But are you willing to let them so that I can be glorified in the end?"
Even having God ask this of me hurts. But I want to obedient.
So this is my prayer request. I want to stay strong and obedient to the Lord, but "hands-off" on whatever this means for my friend. And I ask for peace about it. Because right now, my soul is warring at this concept. I do not want to let a friend make big mistakes, but the Lord is in control, not me.
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